Hello again everyone. This is part four of the series Anxiety Insights. A lot of people suffer from bouts of anxiety from time to time rather than all the time like me and a lot of others. Although their anxiety is not constant, and is not something that follows them around, it is something that when triggered can be detrimental to leading a normal day to day life. This story is written by Beatrice* who is a 22 year old city worker from London...
"My anxiety first started when I got my first job working in London. It was my first proper 'grown up' job, in the centre of London in a big, well known company relating to the media and involved a lot of changes in my life, and a lot of new responsibilities. It was about a month into working there and I started to get an overwhelming feeling of worry and sadness for no apparent reason. I started turning up for work and would get asked to carry out the smallest tasks and I would want to burst into tears. My job role was to organise other people's lives so the overwhelming feelings I felt when asked to literally do my job made me so upset and panicked. I held my emotions in for around 2 weeks until one day after work I came home and it was a beautiful day. So beautiful, my family were having a BBQ, so my mood couldn't be more different. I could hear laughter from them all as I walked through the front door and it was then when the waterworks started and I didn't stop crying for a couple of days.
My parents thought something awful had happened and when they asked me what was wrong, I couldn't tell them. I didn't know why I felt this way and that just made me ten times worse. The fact that I couldn't put it right because I didn't know what was causing it made this time so much more difficult for me. I attempted to go into work the next day however I managed to only get so far on the tube that I had to get off where my mum worked and I went to see her. I just couldn't face going into work. I was scared but I didn't know why. I just couldn't carry out my normal day with this horrible, anxious feeling on my shoulders. My mum decided to take the day off work and take me shopping to cheer me up and we spent most the day walking round the shopping centre. Before I knew it, I had stopped crying and that feeling of panic and worry had disappeared. From that moment onwards, with the help of my Mum and Dad, I realised I needed a distraction to get me out of the claustrophobic bubble of worry that I was in. Once I got used to the change n my life, having to travel into London for my new job, getting to grips with the new job, my anxiety lifted and I luckily haven't been affected since. I still sometimes feel a little anxious when the tube is busy or I feel claustrophobic but nothing like the feelings I felt when I first started this chapter in my life.
To help me control my anxiety, I try and remove myself from the situation that I'm in by reading books on my kindle or iPad or listening to music. I've found that doing an activity which focuses my mind on something completely different really helps me forget that I'm on a cramped train or standing at a rammed station platform, and keeps my anxiety at bay. I also try to think about people less fortunate than me. Putting things into perspective makes me realise that really I have nothing to worry about, however it's still important to recognise that my problems aren't "nothing", it's just my way of picking myself back on and carrying on.
I've now managed to realise what makes my anxiety the worse and that's change. Any form of change in my life can trigger it. From changing my travel plans, changing job roles, changing social plans or plans for the week and having to rush. These kind of things send me into panic mode so when these occur it makes me really emotional and frustrated.
I think if anyone is suffering from anxiety is reading or relating to this, my advice would be to really work hard to use the technique of distraction. Turn your music up, download a new book to dive into or download an addictive game like Candy Crush. Make sure you do more of what makes you happy. Happiness helps you to have a clearer mind and this may lead you to understand why you are feeling anxious, and be able to distract yourself from it."
*names have been changed to protect the identity of the individual
Showing posts with label panic attck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attck. Show all posts
Monday, 4 July 2016
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Bruno's Story | Anxiety Insight: Part Three
Hello again! This post will be the third part of my series 'Anxiety Insight'. This story is from a 22 year old office worker called Bruno*. This story helps everyone understand that men suffer from anxiety as well as women. It is by no means a 'female illness' as Bruno will tell you in his story...
"My anxiety must have started around the start of 2014, but considering I used to spend all my time in my bedroom until the age of about 15 doing nothing, it probably started earlier I just didn't realise. I starred realise there was a problem when I started suffering from rapid heart rate, sweating, nausea, dizziness, depressed thoughts, extreme worry and fear although there was nothing to worry about, insomnia, restlessness. I also became very hostile towards people I was close to and felt myself becoming niggardly with emotions.
In my opinion, my doctor didn't help me comes to terms with my anxiety very much. I was referred for CBT (Cognitive a Behavioural Therapy) and it didn't really work for me. I don't believe you can teach someone to think differently, but that may just be me being stubborn and believing only intrinsic affirmation can help you. I was prescribed Propanolol by my GP and helped for a period of time in terms of calming my heart rate a fair bit, but after a while I got used to them and they didn't help. When I told my Doctor this, I was prescribed double the doseage, but this just produced bad side effects such as confusion and feeling completely brain dead because my heart rate slowed right down so I felt I had no energy. What helps me? A cigarette helps, but only for around 5 minutes. It's not a permeant solution. Music is a big help. I helps me escape my anxious thoughts. And although I cringe at admitting it, being in the company of my girlfriend is probably the biggest help of them all.
My anxiety does affect my job and the work I have to do. I work in an office and I find it hard to concentrate and struggle to sit still sometimes. This means I make mistakes which I normally wouldn't, which makes me feel crap some times. I also have no motivation to socialise and have no interest in the things that I used to love like playing football. After work and at weekends, I just want to relax and be in the comfort of my own home.
My advice to anyone who can relate to any of my story and thinks they may have anxiety is to seek medical help. This may seem hypocritical considering what I said above about my experience with NHS services, but this was just for me, and as I said, I can be quite stubborn about my beliefs. Going to see your doctor may help somebody else dramatically and really should be the first point of call in terms of getting help. I would also advise someone to find something in life which gives them solace. Something that allows to escape from the world even just for a little while. Things like watching TV or listening to music are great solaces for me"
*names have been changed to protect the identity of the individual.
"My anxiety must have started around the start of 2014, but considering I used to spend all my time in my bedroom until the age of about 15 doing nothing, it probably started earlier I just didn't realise. I starred realise there was a problem when I started suffering from rapid heart rate, sweating, nausea, dizziness, depressed thoughts, extreme worry and fear although there was nothing to worry about, insomnia, restlessness. I also became very hostile towards people I was close to and felt myself becoming niggardly with emotions.
In my opinion, my doctor didn't help me comes to terms with my anxiety very much. I was referred for CBT (Cognitive a Behavioural Therapy) and it didn't really work for me. I don't believe you can teach someone to think differently, but that may just be me being stubborn and believing only intrinsic affirmation can help you. I was prescribed Propanolol by my GP and helped for a period of time in terms of calming my heart rate a fair bit, but after a while I got used to them and they didn't help. When I told my Doctor this, I was prescribed double the doseage, but this just produced bad side effects such as confusion and feeling completely brain dead because my heart rate slowed right down so I felt I had no energy. What helps me? A cigarette helps, but only for around 5 minutes. It's not a permeant solution. Music is a big help. I helps me escape my anxious thoughts. And although I cringe at admitting it, being in the company of my girlfriend is probably the biggest help of them all.
My anxiety does affect my job and the work I have to do. I work in an office and I find it hard to concentrate and struggle to sit still sometimes. This means I make mistakes which I normally wouldn't, which makes me feel crap some times. I also have no motivation to socialise and have no interest in the things that I used to love like playing football. After work and at weekends, I just want to relax and be in the comfort of my own home.
My advice to anyone who can relate to any of my story and thinks they may have anxiety is to seek medical help. This may seem hypocritical considering what I said above about my experience with NHS services, but this was just for me, and as I said, I can be quite stubborn about my beliefs. Going to see your doctor may help somebody else dramatically and really should be the first point of call in terms of getting help. I would also advise someone to find something in life which gives them solace. Something that allows to escape from the world even just for a little while. Things like watching TV or listening to music are great solaces for me"
*names have been changed to protect the identity of the individual.
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Reasons To Stay Alive By Matt Haig | A Book Review
"Anxiety takes away all the commas and full stops we need to make sense of ourselves" - Matt Haig
Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig was a book that I first heard about when one of my favourite YouTubers, Amy, from the channel 'shoutame', posted a review about it. The link to that video is here, go watch her if you're a book lover like me! Amy's review on the book really did draw me in and make me want to buy the book and read it. I'd never come across a book quite like it and I wanted to read about somebody's personal experience and how they overcame the difficulties that come with living a 'normal' life with a mental illness. From the title, I was concerned that it would be based more on depression and suicidal thoughts rather than anxiety, which aren't illnesses or feelings I suffer from and debated if it was for me, but because of Amy's review and the description she gave of it, I gave it a go and downloaded it onto my kindle.
The first thing I have to say about this book is the words and language that Matt Haig uses to describe mental illnesses are spot-on and explain exactly how I feel about my mental illness.
Here are a few examples:
"Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind. This is how we must be with our minds"
"The weirdest thing about the mind is that you can have the most intense things going on in there but no one else can see them. The world shrugs."
"If you're the type of person who thinks too much about stuff then there is nothing lonelier in the world than being surrounded by loads of people on a different wavelength"
I have honestly never been able to relate to a book so much in all my life and reading about Matt's experience with his anxiety not only gave me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it taught me so much about depression as well as anxiety that I didn't know. I found myself reading personal things Matt talks about and thinking to myself 'why did I never realise this?' As I said, the title did scare me a bit and made me worry me about what I was going to read on the next page, but I believe it is the perfect title to describe Matt's life and Matt's strength.
I think I related to this book a lot because Matt wrote the book for the very same reason that I write this blog - as therapy, and as a result of the therapy, to help others. Matt sold his brave story to the whole world to make people like me feel less alone, make people like me recognise that they're not crazy, and to give people like me hope that life will not be dark forever. Having said this, it must be noted that Matt remains very truthful in that he never denies that he is 'cured' from his mental illnesses, as he believes, as do I and many others out there, that mental illness do not disappear. It become a part of who you are and you learn to handle it better.
For anyone reading this who suffers with a mental illness and needs a bit of 'ah, so I'm not so strange after all', please read this book. I must warn you though, some parts may be triggering for those who maybe a little unstable in their mental health so please please please be careful. Nevertheless, even the darkest chapters make you realise the strength that Matt has and the strength that anyone can have when you learn to accept who you are, and learn to handle and live with your illness.
This book is also the most amazing book for a family member, a friend or someone in your life that you feel needs a little more explanation into what on earth mental illness is and how it makes you feel. As I said, the words used throughout this book are nothing but the truth for me, and I'm sure they will be for a lot of others too. The way he uses symbolism and examples made me scream "YES. THATS IT!", and for those of you who get tongue tied when people don't quite understand your illness, you'll understand what I mean about the language in this book. I'd really love my parents to read this, as reading the journey of Matt's life and reading all the symbolism in the book I think would benefit them a lot in the part they play in my own journey. Acceptance is one thing, but having someone you love understand how you feel or how you work, even just a little bit, is on a whole other level.
This book will stay very close to my heart for a long time, simply because it's the first book I've read that discusses mental illness in such an honest, personal and relatable way. Matt Haig - you have given me the strength I need to, pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on track. You really are an inspiration to me. Thank you.
Here's a link to Reasons To Stay Alive on Amazon.
Love Luce xo
Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig was a book that I first heard about when one of my favourite YouTubers, Amy, from the channel 'shoutame', posted a review about it. The link to that video is here, go watch her if you're a book lover like me! Amy's review on the book really did draw me in and make me want to buy the book and read it. I'd never come across a book quite like it and I wanted to read about somebody's personal experience and how they overcame the difficulties that come with living a 'normal' life with a mental illness. From the title, I was concerned that it would be based more on depression and suicidal thoughts rather than anxiety, which aren't illnesses or feelings I suffer from and debated if it was for me, but because of Amy's review and the description she gave of it, I gave it a go and downloaded it onto my kindle.
The first thing I have to say about this book is the words and language that Matt Haig uses to describe mental illnesses are spot-on and explain exactly how I feel about my mental illness.
Here are a few examples:
"Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind. This is how we must be with our minds"
"The weirdest thing about the mind is that you can have the most intense things going on in there but no one else can see them. The world shrugs."
"If you're the type of person who thinks too much about stuff then there is nothing lonelier in the world than being surrounded by loads of people on a different wavelength"
I have honestly never been able to relate to a book so much in all my life and reading about Matt's experience with his anxiety not only gave me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it taught me so much about depression as well as anxiety that I didn't know. I found myself reading personal things Matt talks about and thinking to myself 'why did I never realise this?' As I said, the title did scare me a bit and made me worry me about what I was going to read on the next page, but I believe it is the perfect title to describe Matt's life and Matt's strength.
I think I related to this book a lot because Matt wrote the book for the very same reason that I write this blog - as therapy, and as a result of the therapy, to help others. Matt sold his brave story to the whole world to make people like me feel less alone, make people like me recognise that they're not crazy, and to give people like me hope that life will not be dark forever. Having said this, it must be noted that Matt remains very truthful in that he never denies that he is 'cured' from his mental illnesses, as he believes, as do I and many others out there, that mental illness do not disappear. It become a part of who you are and you learn to handle it better.
For anyone reading this who suffers with a mental illness and needs a bit of 'ah, so I'm not so strange after all', please read this book. I must warn you though, some parts may be triggering for those who maybe a little unstable in their mental health so please please please be careful. Nevertheless, even the darkest chapters make you realise the strength that Matt has and the strength that anyone can have when you learn to accept who you are, and learn to handle and live with your illness.
This book is also the most amazing book for a family member, a friend or someone in your life that you feel needs a little more explanation into what on earth mental illness is and how it makes you feel. As I said, the words used throughout this book are nothing but the truth for me, and I'm sure they will be for a lot of others too. The way he uses symbolism and examples made me scream "YES. THATS IT!", and for those of you who get tongue tied when people don't quite understand your illness, you'll understand what I mean about the language in this book. I'd really love my parents to read this, as reading the journey of Matt's life and reading all the symbolism in the book I think would benefit them a lot in the part they play in my own journey. Acceptance is one thing, but having someone you love understand how you feel or how you work, even just a little bit, is on a whole other level.
This book will stay very close to my heart for a long time, simply because it's the first book I've read that discusses mental illness in such an honest, personal and relatable way. Matt Haig - you have given me the strength I need to, pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on track. You really are an inspiration to me. Thank you.
Here's a link to Reasons To Stay Alive on Amazon.
Love Luce xo
Saturday, 4 June 2016
Mind | How Mind Helped Me
Mind is a charity that solely focuses on not only spreading awareness and advice for those surrounded by mental illness, but empowers those who suffer from illness of the mind. For me, the first time I approached Mind was two years ago when I started to to question my mental health. I read through the information sheets on the different mental illnesses that affect people and realised a lot of the signs and symptoms listed on the link titled "anxiety and panic attacks" correlated with my personality, emotions and behaviour. Back then, I didn't think much more of it and didn't return to the website until a year later when my illness started to develop and change aspects of my life that I didn't want it to.
I had already been diagnosed with anxiety and had ended up in A&E after a panic attack and had been medicated to sedate me so I know I needed to educate myself on what was going on. Funnily enough, when my GP told me he thought I had anxiety, I did no research as I thought I knew it all (typical student nurse). I already knew I was the perfectly painted picture of what anxiety would look like in human form but never even considered having a panic disorder too. The doctor in A&E mentioned panic attacks and the morning after my trip to hospital (which was the day of being signed off sick), I googled 'panic attacks' and was redirected to the Mind website. At this point, I reached out to Mind for advice and answers.
What was wrong with me? Why was my body doing this? Why me? Why now? How can I stop it? When will it go away?
Of course, I learnt more from that website than I ever had in my two hour lecture on mental health and Mind wrote the information in such a way that I lost possession of all the negative attachments I'd linked to these mental illnesses I'd suddenly been diagnosed with, even just for a few minutes. The first paragraph on anxiety on the Mind website is this:
"Anxiety is a word we use to describe feelings of unease, worry and fear. It incorporates both the emotions and the physical sensations we might experience when we are worried or nervous about something. Although we usually find it unpleasant, anxiety is related to the ‘fight or flight’ response – our normal biological reaction to feeling threatened."
For me, even this first paragraph allowed me to feel somewhat normal. The fight or flight response was normal. The word normal was within that paragraph. I wasn't crazy. The information was subcategorised into sections focusing on the different questions I had. There was a section on why it happens, a section on how to treat it.
The best bit about the website for me is the links it offered to videos, podcasts and blog posts, on personal experiences people have with their mental illness. Sitting in front of my laptop reading a story about a girl who's anxiety controlled her life at university made me feel like I wasn't alone. It was like I was reading all the words I wanted to scream. In a world where people assume anxiety is being 'scared for no reason', there were people out there just like me.
Mind gave me the confidence to open up to people closest to me. It allowed me to simply send them the link to the information surrounding anxiety and panic disorder so my loved ones could read and educate themselves before asking me questions I was afraid to answer. Mind sets it out so their webpage is not difficult to navigate around, the information is not full of medical terminology that floats straight over your head. It's simple, easy to read material that allows for further research if needed and that's amazing. At the beginning of it all, I was very embarrassed about my illnesses and Mind gave me the power to be able to be strong and feel somewhat normal. I still refer back to Mind when I feel like I have an unanswered question and Mind is always the website I recommend to people who come to me for help and advice. If anything, Mind gave me the courage to start talking openly about my mental health and the passion to empower others to be honest and accepting of the way that they are, no matter how difficult it may be.
Here's the link to Mind website and all web pages I have discussed above. I hope Mind can be as much help for you and your family and friends as it was for me.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.V07OaJB4WK0
http://www.mind.org.uk
Love Luce xo
I had already been diagnosed with anxiety and had ended up in A&E after a panic attack and had been medicated to sedate me so I know I needed to educate myself on what was going on. Funnily enough, when my GP told me he thought I had anxiety, I did no research as I thought I knew it all (typical student nurse). I already knew I was the perfectly painted picture of what anxiety would look like in human form but never even considered having a panic disorder too. The doctor in A&E mentioned panic attacks and the morning after my trip to hospital (which was the day of being signed off sick), I googled 'panic attacks' and was redirected to the Mind website. At this point, I reached out to Mind for advice and answers.
What was wrong with me? Why was my body doing this? Why me? Why now? How can I stop it? When will it go away?
Of course, I learnt more from that website than I ever had in my two hour lecture on mental health and Mind wrote the information in such a way that I lost possession of all the negative attachments I'd linked to these mental illnesses I'd suddenly been diagnosed with, even just for a few minutes. The first paragraph on anxiety on the Mind website is this:
"Anxiety is a word we use to describe feelings of unease, worry and fear. It incorporates both the emotions and the physical sensations we might experience when we are worried or nervous about something. Although we usually find it unpleasant, anxiety is related to the ‘fight or flight’ response – our normal biological reaction to feeling threatened."
For me, even this first paragraph allowed me to feel somewhat normal. The fight or flight response was normal. The word normal was within that paragraph. I wasn't crazy. The information was subcategorised into sections focusing on the different questions I had. There was a section on why it happens, a section on how to treat it.
The best bit about the website for me is the links it offered to videos, podcasts and blog posts, on personal experiences people have with their mental illness. Sitting in front of my laptop reading a story about a girl who's anxiety controlled her life at university made me feel like I wasn't alone. It was like I was reading all the words I wanted to scream. In a world where people assume anxiety is being 'scared for no reason', there were people out there just like me.
Mind gave me the confidence to open up to people closest to me. It allowed me to simply send them the link to the information surrounding anxiety and panic disorder so my loved ones could read and educate themselves before asking me questions I was afraid to answer. Mind sets it out so their webpage is not difficult to navigate around, the information is not full of medical terminology that floats straight over your head. It's simple, easy to read material that allows for further research if needed and that's amazing. At the beginning of it all, I was very embarrassed about my illnesses and Mind gave me the power to be able to be strong and feel somewhat normal. I still refer back to Mind when I feel like I have an unanswered question and Mind is always the website I recommend to people who come to me for help and advice. If anything, Mind gave me the courage to start talking openly about my mental health and the passion to empower others to be honest and accepting of the way that they are, no matter how difficult it may be.
Here's the link to Mind website and all web pages I have discussed above. I hope Mind can be as much help for you and your family and friends as it was for me.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.V07OaJB4WK0
http://www.mind.org.uk
Love Luce xo
Thursday, 17 March 2016
I Can Do This.
Okay. First off I want to apologise to anyone who has been waiting for a blog post, I've been so busy that I've really not had any time to sit down and write a post, which has upset me a fair bit in the two months I've been away, but I'm back!! Today, I want to write a post about conquering a day that I really genuinely didn't think I would be able to even start let alone finish with a smile on my face.
So one day last week I hardly slept a wink, was up all night worrying about anything and everything and found myself developing a very strong migraine from it. This is not uncommon for me and usually I would make sure that during that day I had a nap so I didn't feel so crappy and that I rested and took it easy. However, on this occasion this was not possible as I was due on a 13 hour shift. With a splitting headache and around two hours broken sleep throughout the night, at 6.15am, I got ready for work and started walking to the bus. A few yards up the road my anxiety built up and my headache was getting worse. I made the decision to call my mentor and tell her that I would not be able to make the shift. She was lovely about it and it relaxed me knowing she just wanted me well. I went back to bed and managed to nap for around two hours. As the day went on my migraine stayed but my anxiety levels dropped. I was determined that I would make it in for my shift the next day no matter how bad I felt. I made sure that I got to sleep early and dosed myself up with enough painkillers so that my headache wouldn't wake me up.
At 6 AM my alarm went off and to my complete horror, I felt exactly the same as I had the morning before. I felt scared, anxious, mentally drained, and didn't want to get out of bed for the fear of what the day would hold. The first thing I did was text one of my close friends the words "I can't do it". I My heart was racing, I started shaking and I felt instantly sick. My headache still lingered. I soon got a reply back from my friend with the words "yes you can". She talked me through how to do everything just one step at a time and it worked. She asked me what I was scared about and I replied things such as "the bus". She simply replied "but you can get off at any time". And she was right. I wasn't thinking rationally and my mind was too overwhelmed by the fear that my anxiety was beating me again. With her help and constant support that morning, I got up, got dressed, walked to the bus and went to work. I did cry all the way to the bus stop and felt like an idiot the whole way, but I needed to go to work and fight the bad thoughts. At one point I walked past a blue car exactly like my dad's and burst into tears that it wasn't his ready to take me home. I really was struggling to think rationally with everything and even having my friend on the end of the phone my mind started to wonder onto things such as "what is the bus crashes?" and "what if I have a panic attack at work?". I really wasn't helping myself but I didn't know it at the time, at the time I was trying to protect myself. Sometimes I think the fear of having a panic attack is worse than actually having one. I personally work myself up to the point where it's inevitable that a panic attack will happen and that morning I could've bet money on me having one. I had all the signs, all the symptoms, and really wasn't helping myself preventing it from happening. Luckily, I didn't. Everyone I saw that morning on my way into work was a threat, and I felt so bad for looking so scared when a lady sat next to me on the bus. It's hard when your mind is fighting against what's going on around you and only you can hear what your mind is saying and telling you to do. "Get off the bus". "Dont make eye contact with anyone". "You'll regret all this". "People will think bad of you if you go into work crying". "Just go home".
I got off the bus and walked into work. Walking down the hospital corridor with my placement ward right at the bottom end, I took a deep breath and told myself I can do it. I put my coat and bag in the staffroom, looked at myself in the mirror, washed my face, and walk down the corridor to the nurses station. The minute I entered the ward, my panic stopped. As if somebody had switched a button off in my head. I said good morning to my patients on my way to the nurses station and then said good morning to my colleagues I'd be working with that day. I was shocked to say the least, it was like nothing has happened that morning. As if anxiety wasn't even a thing. My mentor asked me how I was and if I was feeling better and I told her I'd had a rough morning but I feel fine now. As the day went on, it seemed that the mornings occurrences had simply been a dream and never really happened. My heart started beating normally, I stopped shaking and my sickness disappeared within the blink of an eye. It really was odd. Good, but odd.
I started to think about why this had happened and how my mood changed as soon as I got to work. Nothing has ever been able to snap me out of anxiety and panic like that, and I was very confused. The more I thought about it the more I realised that the ward, my patients, and the idea of me looking after them for the day over ruled my anxiety and panic. It was where I needed to be. I spoke to a friend about it and my mum and I soon realised that once I have to put somebody else first, and work hard to make them feel better, I feel better. I feel useful, happy and proud of myself for what I am doing. Yes, I had a crap morning, probably one of the crappiest mornings I've ever had, but after seeing the smiles on my patients faces as I said good morning to them and asked how they'd slept, I realised there was nothing to worry about and if something but did happen, I would handle it the best I could.
I really am doing the best job in the world for the type of person that I am. I need to feel useful, wanted, and needed or I begin to feel low, anxious and irrational. When it is your job to care for those who are unwell, you have to leave your worries at the door. It is your job to make people smile, to relieve anxiety from them and to make sure that they have nothing to worry about. This is why my anxiety and my panic stopped as soon as I was needed to ease theirs. Of course I realised I had been irrational that morning, but that's all part of my illness. I always understand and realise that my thoughts and actions are often irrational and are a product of my mental illness afterwards, but at the time, everything seems so frightening and you are almost certain that everything will go wrong. If I hadn't of text my friend that morning and has she not replied with what she did, I wouldn't of had the confidence to get up and go to work. I wouldn't of been able to realise that I can do it, that my mental illness cannot always beat me, and that I am strong enough to push through anything if I take things one step at a time. Now this is happened to me, I know that if I ever wake up feeling like that again, I just need to take things one step at a time, push through it, and know that what ever happens, I can only try my absolute best. I am so proud of myself for getting through the day, not just getting out of bed, and I really do have the most amazing friend for texting me from 6am and throughout the day. You know who you are and I love you.
No matter how dark your day may seem, there is always something to light up your path.
So one day last week I hardly slept a wink, was up all night worrying about anything and everything and found myself developing a very strong migraine from it. This is not uncommon for me and usually I would make sure that during that day I had a nap so I didn't feel so crappy and that I rested and took it easy. However, on this occasion this was not possible as I was due on a 13 hour shift. With a splitting headache and around two hours broken sleep throughout the night, at 6.15am, I got ready for work and started walking to the bus. A few yards up the road my anxiety built up and my headache was getting worse. I made the decision to call my mentor and tell her that I would not be able to make the shift. She was lovely about it and it relaxed me knowing she just wanted me well. I went back to bed and managed to nap for around two hours. As the day went on my migraine stayed but my anxiety levels dropped. I was determined that I would make it in for my shift the next day no matter how bad I felt. I made sure that I got to sleep early and dosed myself up with enough painkillers so that my headache wouldn't wake me up.
At 6 AM my alarm went off and to my complete horror, I felt exactly the same as I had the morning before. I felt scared, anxious, mentally drained, and didn't want to get out of bed for the fear of what the day would hold. The first thing I did was text one of my close friends the words "I can't do it". I My heart was racing, I started shaking and I felt instantly sick. My headache still lingered. I soon got a reply back from my friend with the words "yes you can". She talked me through how to do everything just one step at a time and it worked. She asked me what I was scared about and I replied things such as "the bus". She simply replied "but you can get off at any time". And she was right. I wasn't thinking rationally and my mind was too overwhelmed by the fear that my anxiety was beating me again. With her help and constant support that morning, I got up, got dressed, walked to the bus and went to work. I did cry all the way to the bus stop and felt like an idiot the whole way, but I needed to go to work and fight the bad thoughts. At one point I walked past a blue car exactly like my dad's and burst into tears that it wasn't his ready to take me home. I really was struggling to think rationally with everything and even having my friend on the end of the phone my mind started to wonder onto things such as "what is the bus crashes?" and "what if I have a panic attack at work?". I really wasn't helping myself but I didn't know it at the time, at the time I was trying to protect myself. Sometimes I think the fear of having a panic attack is worse than actually having one. I personally work myself up to the point where it's inevitable that a panic attack will happen and that morning I could've bet money on me having one. I had all the signs, all the symptoms, and really wasn't helping myself preventing it from happening. Luckily, I didn't. Everyone I saw that morning on my way into work was a threat, and I felt so bad for looking so scared when a lady sat next to me on the bus. It's hard when your mind is fighting against what's going on around you and only you can hear what your mind is saying and telling you to do. "Get off the bus". "Dont make eye contact with anyone". "You'll regret all this". "People will think bad of you if you go into work crying". "Just go home".
I got off the bus and walked into work. Walking down the hospital corridor with my placement ward right at the bottom end, I took a deep breath and told myself I can do it. I put my coat and bag in the staffroom, looked at myself in the mirror, washed my face, and walk down the corridor to the nurses station. The minute I entered the ward, my panic stopped. As if somebody had switched a button off in my head. I said good morning to my patients on my way to the nurses station and then said good morning to my colleagues I'd be working with that day. I was shocked to say the least, it was like nothing has happened that morning. As if anxiety wasn't even a thing. My mentor asked me how I was and if I was feeling better and I told her I'd had a rough morning but I feel fine now. As the day went on, it seemed that the mornings occurrences had simply been a dream and never really happened. My heart started beating normally, I stopped shaking and my sickness disappeared within the blink of an eye. It really was odd. Good, but odd.
I started to think about why this had happened and how my mood changed as soon as I got to work. Nothing has ever been able to snap me out of anxiety and panic like that, and I was very confused. The more I thought about it the more I realised that the ward, my patients, and the idea of me looking after them for the day over ruled my anxiety and panic. It was where I needed to be. I spoke to a friend about it and my mum and I soon realised that once I have to put somebody else first, and work hard to make them feel better, I feel better. I feel useful, happy and proud of myself for what I am doing. Yes, I had a crap morning, probably one of the crappiest mornings I've ever had, but after seeing the smiles on my patients faces as I said good morning to them and asked how they'd slept, I realised there was nothing to worry about and if something but did happen, I would handle it the best I could.
I really am doing the best job in the world for the type of person that I am. I need to feel useful, wanted, and needed or I begin to feel low, anxious and irrational. When it is your job to care for those who are unwell, you have to leave your worries at the door. It is your job to make people smile, to relieve anxiety from them and to make sure that they have nothing to worry about. This is why my anxiety and my panic stopped as soon as I was needed to ease theirs. Of course I realised I had been irrational that morning, but that's all part of my illness. I always understand and realise that my thoughts and actions are often irrational and are a product of my mental illness afterwards, but at the time, everything seems so frightening and you are almost certain that everything will go wrong. If I hadn't of text my friend that morning and has she not replied with what she did, I wouldn't of had the confidence to get up and go to work. I wouldn't of been able to realise that I can do it, that my mental illness cannot always beat me, and that I am strong enough to push through anything if I take things one step at a time. Now this is happened to me, I know that if I ever wake up feeling like that again, I just need to take things one step at a time, push through it, and know that what ever happens, I can only try my absolute best. I am so proud of myself for getting through the day, not just getting out of bed, and I really do have the most amazing friend for texting me from 6am and throughout the day. You know who you are and I love you.
No matter how dark your day may seem, there is always something to light up your path.
Love Luce xo
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