"Anxiety takes away all the commas and full stops we need to make sense of ourselves" - Matt Haig
Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig was a book that I first heard about when one of my favourite YouTubers, Amy, from the channel 'shoutame', posted a review about it. The link to that video is here, go watch her if you're a book lover like me! Amy's review on the book really did draw me in and make me want to buy the book and read it. I'd never come across a book quite like it and I wanted to read about somebody's personal experience and how they overcame the difficulties that come with living a 'normal' life with a mental illness. From the title, I was concerned that it would be based more on depression and suicidal thoughts rather than anxiety, which aren't illnesses or feelings I suffer from and debated if it was for me, but because of Amy's review and the description she gave of it, I gave it a go and downloaded it onto my kindle.
The first thing I have to say about this book is the words and language that Matt Haig uses to describe mental illnesses are spot-on and explain exactly how I feel about my mental illness.
Here are a few examples:
"Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind. This is how we must be with our minds"
"The weirdest thing about the mind is that you can have the most intense things going on in there but no one else can see them. The world shrugs."
"If you're the type of person who thinks too much about stuff then there is nothing lonelier in the world than being surrounded by loads of people on a different wavelength"
I have honestly never been able to relate to a book so much in all my life and reading about Matt's experience with his anxiety not only gave me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it taught me so much about depression as well as anxiety that I didn't know. I found myself reading personal things Matt talks about and thinking to myself 'why did I never realise this?' As I said, the title did scare me a bit and made me worry me about what I was going to read on the next page, but I believe it is the perfect title to describe Matt's life and Matt's strength.
I think I related to this book a lot because Matt wrote the book for the very same reason that I write this blog - as therapy, and as a result of the therapy, to help others. Matt sold his brave story to the whole world to make people like me feel less alone, make people like me recognise that they're not crazy, and to give people like me hope that life will not be dark forever. Having said this, it must be noted that Matt remains very truthful in that he never denies that he is 'cured' from his mental illnesses, as he believes, as do I and many others out there, that mental illness do not disappear. It become a part of who you are and you learn to handle it better.
For anyone reading this who suffers with a mental illness and needs a bit of 'ah, so I'm not so strange after all', please read this book. I must warn you though, some parts may be triggering for those who maybe a little unstable in their mental health so please please please be careful. Nevertheless, even the darkest chapters make you realise the strength that Matt has and the strength that anyone can have when you learn to accept who you are, and learn to handle and live with your illness.
This book is also the most amazing book for a family member, a friend or someone in your life that you feel needs a little more explanation into what on earth mental illness is and how it makes you feel. As I said, the words used throughout this book are nothing but the truth for me, and I'm sure they will be for a lot of others too. The way he uses symbolism and examples made me scream "YES. THATS IT!", and for those of you who get tongue tied when people don't quite understand your illness, you'll understand what I mean about the language in this book. I'd really love my parents to read this, as reading the journey of Matt's life and reading all the symbolism in the book I think would benefit them a lot in the part they play in my own journey. Acceptance is one thing, but having someone you love understand how you feel or how you work, even just a little bit, is on a whole other level.
This book will stay very close to my heart for a long time, simply because it's the first book I've read that discusses mental illness in such an honest, personal and relatable way. Matt Haig - you have given me the strength I need to, pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on track. You really are an inspiration to me. Thank you.
Here's a link to Reasons To Stay Alive on Amazon.
Love Luce xo
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Anti-Anxiety Pets | Pets As Therapy
I will just start with a disclaimer that if you don't like animals (mainly cats) or don't believe they can help physical and mental illnesses then this post may not be for you, however if you are confused at what I mean by help physical and mental illnesses, keep reading.
The title is something that many people may of heard of before, usually in the form of a PAT dog who visits residential homes and hospital to help cheer up and help patients and residents in a therapeutic manner. As someone who has grown up being the daughter of a care home manager and then going on to become a student nurse myself, I have seen pet and animal assisted therapy a lot and seen how much good comes from something that has no idea how happy it is making people. PAT dogs are very common and popular, especially in the UK, and many care establishments have a regular PAT dog that visits individuals who get great pleasure out of having a companion for a while; something to stroke, pet, cuddle with, play with or simply admire. The Pets As Therapy website linked here gives a lot more information on how and why this type of therapy is so amazing, but for this blog post I'm going to be talking about my experience with how any pet can be therapy for someone, whether they know it or not.
Many people do assume that for an animal to have any therapeutic effect on an individual, it has to be trained in doing so. Personally, I think this is rubbish. Yes, PAT dogs and some therapy animals are specially trained to obey commands, sit nicely on people's laps, allow people to stroke them and be used to a lot of human interaction for the main purpose that without the training, the behaviour of the animal is unpredictable. Trainers do not want patients who are meant to be being therapeutically cared for to be bitten, scratched, hissed at or barked at as this leaves a dollop of negativity for all those who encountered it. However, I personally believe that any animal, so long as it has a good and friendly relationship with you, can give just as much, if not more, individualised therapy as a trained puppy can.
In February this year, my Mum and Dad bought me a kitten for my 21st birthday. They told me to choose the one I liked the best and that she would be my kitten that I could build a relationship with and use her to cheer me up whenever I'm scared or low. It was the most amazing present I got, and the thought that had been put into it was incredible. I named her Darcy and she was beautiful. She was crazy but she loved to cuddle and she loved being around me. From the very first day we brought her home, she changed my mood instantly. I've always been a cat person and grown up with a cat all my life, but after a period of 2 years without one, having a 15 week old kitten to play with and cuddle and show me affection really honestly helped my anxiety a lot. She not only helped me, she helped my whole family, who at the time also needed something to lift spirits when they were low and bring smiles to faces.
Heart breakingly, Darcy passed away at 5 months old from a hereditary, incurable infection which was so so sad. The four weeks the family had without her was hard, especially for me, as I saw Darcy as a symbol for the strength, development and growth I endured with my anxiety. There was nothing to go and pick up and cuddle is I was scared or sad, nothing to sit and laugh at running around the room, nothing to come and lick my face in the mornings and want to be with me all the time. For me, I needed a new forever friend to help me and the effects of my anxiety and panic disorder like Darcy did as I started to feel all the negative thoughts and feelings starting to come flooding back. Whether that was because I missed her or whether it was because I was so saddened at losing what made me gain my confidence and strength, I don't know, but I know I needed to do something. That's when I found Nellie.
Nellie is far from normal and is 100% more dog than cat. She is the only cat that I've seen carry toys around in her mouth and rip them to shreds. She parades around the house with underwear in her mouth that she's recovered from the laundry basket and cries when she can't find you in the house. Nellie was bought at 9 months old from a lovely couple who couldn't keep her any longer and needed a new home for her. From the minute I saw her, I fell in love. The first thing her previous owner said to me was "that's strange, she doesn't usually cuddle up to people like she is doing with you" which made me feel like I had to bring her home with me. She needed a new home and I needed a new therapy cat that could help me relieve stresses, calm me down, relax me from the whirlwind of emotions floating around my head, and make me smile and laugh. Now, almost 2 months on, she really does bring me so much happiness. Her personality is so crazy and different to anything I've ever seen, but she is so loving and caring too. The best bit about Nellie is she can recognise when I'm low or anxious and will come and sit on or near me. Sometimes, that's all I need. She sat with me while I revised for my last exam and just having her there to stroke and speak in my stupid high "kitty" voice relieves stress I didn't know could be relieved.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that animals and pets that you live with and have a relationship with really can be all you need to calm you down if you start to feel anxious, or make you smile while you feel low. Something as simple as stroking her or her choosing to sit with me while I watch the TV gives me such a positive boost like no human has ever been able to give me. I know for those of you who don't have pets or even those that do but don't understand how cats or dogs can have this effect on people, take my word for it. My mental health has been helped so much by my little furry friend. I would honestly recommended anyone who doesn't have a pet to get one if you need some therapeutic help with your health, whether that be physical or mental.
(Apologies for how crazy-cat-lady this post sounds but I write posts on my blog that help me and inspire others)
Love Luce xo
The title is something that many people may of heard of before, usually in the form of a PAT dog who visits residential homes and hospital to help cheer up and help patients and residents in a therapeutic manner. As someone who has grown up being the daughter of a care home manager and then going on to become a student nurse myself, I have seen pet and animal assisted therapy a lot and seen how much good comes from something that has no idea how happy it is making people. PAT dogs are very common and popular, especially in the UK, and many care establishments have a regular PAT dog that visits individuals who get great pleasure out of having a companion for a while; something to stroke, pet, cuddle with, play with or simply admire. The Pets As Therapy website linked here gives a lot more information on how and why this type of therapy is so amazing, but for this blog post I'm going to be talking about my experience with how any pet can be therapy for someone, whether they know it or not.
Many people do assume that for an animal to have any therapeutic effect on an individual, it has to be trained in doing so. Personally, I think this is rubbish. Yes, PAT dogs and some therapy animals are specially trained to obey commands, sit nicely on people's laps, allow people to stroke them and be used to a lot of human interaction for the main purpose that without the training, the behaviour of the animal is unpredictable. Trainers do not want patients who are meant to be being therapeutically cared for to be bitten, scratched, hissed at or barked at as this leaves a dollop of negativity for all those who encountered it. However, I personally believe that any animal, so long as it has a good and friendly relationship with you, can give just as much, if not more, individualised therapy as a trained puppy can.
In February this year, my Mum and Dad bought me a kitten for my 21st birthday. They told me to choose the one I liked the best and that she would be my kitten that I could build a relationship with and use her to cheer me up whenever I'm scared or low. It was the most amazing present I got, and the thought that had been put into it was incredible. I named her Darcy and she was beautiful. She was crazy but she loved to cuddle and she loved being around me. From the very first day we brought her home, she changed my mood instantly. I've always been a cat person and grown up with a cat all my life, but after a period of 2 years without one, having a 15 week old kitten to play with and cuddle and show me affection really honestly helped my anxiety a lot. She not only helped me, she helped my whole family, who at the time also needed something to lift spirits when they were low and bring smiles to faces.
Heart breakingly, Darcy passed away at 5 months old from a hereditary, incurable infection which was so so sad. The four weeks the family had without her was hard, especially for me, as I saw Darcy as a symbol for the strength, development and growth I endured with my anxiety. There was nothing to go and pick up and cuddle is I was scared or sad, nothing to sit and laugh at running around the room, nothing to come and lick my face in the mornings and want to be with me all the time. For me, I needed a new forever friend to help me and the effects of my anxiety and panic disorder like Darcy did as I started to feel all the negative thoughts and feelings starting to come flooding back. Whether that was because I missed her or whether it was because I was so saddened at losing what made me gain my confidence and strength, I don't know, but I know I needed to do something. That's when I found Nellie.
Nellie is far from normal and is 100% more dog than cat. She is the only cat that I've seen carry toys around in her mouth and rip them to shreds. She parades around the house with underwear in her mouth that she's recovered from the laundry basket and cries when she can't find you in the house. Nellie was bought at 9 months old from a lovely couple who couldn't keep her any longer and needed a new home for her. From the minute I saw her, I fell in love. The first thing her previous owner said to me was "that's strange, she doesn't usually cuddle up to people like she is doing with you" which made me feel like I had to bring her home with me. She needed a new home and I needed a new therapy cat that could help me relieve stresses, calm me down, relax me from the whirlwind of emotions floating around my head, and make me smile and laugh. Now, almost 2 months on, she really does bring me so much happiness. Her personality is so crazy and different to anything I've ever seen, but she is so loving and caring too. The best bit about Nellie is she can recognise when I'm low or anxious and will come and sit on or near me. Sometimes, that's all I need. She sat with me while I revised for my last exam and just having her there to stroke and speak in my stupid high "kitty" voice relieves stress I didn't know could be relieved.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that animals and pets that you live with and have a relationship with really can be all you need to calm you down if you start to feel anxious, or make you smile while you feel low. Something as simple as stroking her or her choosing to sit with me while I watch the TV gives me such a positive boost like no human has ever been able to give me. I know for those of you who don't have pets or even those that do but don't understand how cats or dogs can have this effect on people, take my word for it. My mental health has been helped so much by my little furry friend. I would honestly recommended anyone who doesn't have a pet to get one if you need some therapeutic help with your health, whether that be physical or mental.
(Apologies for how crazy-cat-lady this post sounds but I write posts on my blog that help me and inspire others)
Love Luce xo
Monday, 25 January 2016
Citalopram | My Side Effects
I woke up the other morning and sat thinking about the side effects, both good and bad, that I have experienced since September 2015 when I was started on Citalopram. I thought it would make an interesting blog post for those of you who have no idea what Citalopram is or be interesting and insightful for those of you with a close one on the medication or if you're on it yourself.
So Citalopram is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor or SSRI and basically means it ensures there enough serotonin to flow around my brain to have a positive influence on moods and emotions. If I wasn't on Citalopram, my brain would absorb all the serotonin and there wouldn't be enough floating around to have a positive impact on my emotions. It is classified as an anti-depressant medication due to its chemical use within mental health conditions, but it is also used with panic disorders as the brain acts in a similar way. It is a prescription only medication so cannot be bought over the counter, and they are definitely not given out like sweets. Taking SSRIs can have a real positive effect on people whose brains lacks enough serotonin, but they are unsafe to be used for people who have no chemical imbalances in their brain. Despite them being a real life-saver for me, Citalopram in particular is a medication that is known for it's many side effects, many of which I have experienced. When I was first prescribed them, my doctor told me it was likely I would experience some side effects for the first 2-4 weeks while my body adjusts to the chemicals readjusting in my brain and this was certainly true.
I once counted the side effects listed on the information leaflet that came with my tablets and there were a grand total of 48 side effects. The list surprisingly included 'anxiety' and 'panic attacks' which blew my mind, but if you look at the information leaflet for paracetamol, it says it can cause headaches!! I did experience 3 weeks of worsened anxiety and panic attacks which was awful and did land me in A&E on one occasion but once I got over the initial 3-4 weeks, everything seemed to settle down. During these first few weeks, I also experienced loss of appetite, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, terrible nausea and lack of sleep, so as you can imagine it wasn't fun for me. I actually met up with friends at a local pub during the worst week for side effects and I can honestly say it was one of the worst experiences of my life, especially because only three of the 8 friends sat round the table knew I wasn't well.
They all wore off after 4 weeks and I slowly started to notice the good effects of Citalopram. I was feeling positive, I didn't have the sinking feeling I was used to feeling every day and I started smiling and laughing a lot more. To this day, I still do often feel nauseous in the mornings and do get very bad headaches and these are because of my tablets, but its nothing I can't handle, and the benefits of my tablets outweigh the negatives. The main inspiration for this blog post was one of my more stranger remaining side effects which is vivid thoughts and dreams. This side effect has again been confirmed by my doctor to be medication related and it's something that makes me laugh sometimes. I experience vivid daydreams, so much so when I enter real life is it very difficut for me to believe what I was daydreaming about hadn't actually happened. Similarly, the dreams I have are dreams that are so real life and vivid that I honestly believe they've happened. I don't dream about being in a different country or people turning into animals, I dream about my Dad waking me up and making me come downstairs for breakfast, or a normal shift on the ward or going shopping and buying milk and gherkins. The other weird thing is that when I'm at home, my dreams are at home, when I'm at my uni flat, my dreams are at my uni flat or when i'm staying with Ben, my dreams will be located at his house. However funny this may sound, I also have real life and vivid nightmares, like a family member dying, which is obviously horrible and more upsetting after I wake up than if I dreamt about a lion chasing me across a field.
Another side effect worth mentioning just as a finishing point is that if I take two tablets too close together, my mood can go one of two ways; I either get hyperactive, excitable and show the same effects as drinking 5 cans of Redbull, or my mood increases my anxiety and I feel very nervous, scared and worried. For this reason, I am very particular about when I take my tablets. This was just a small insight into the side effects of my medication but will write another post regarding Citalopram and its functions in more detail and my thoughts about it if this is something people would like to read? Remember all medication works differently with different people and all medications have their risks alongside their benefits.
Love Luce xo
Saturday, 9 January 2016
My 2016 Wish List.
Laying in bed last night reading my book, I started to think about how much I want 2016 to be different than the last. I have never been someone to believe in or make New Years resolutions as no one ever sticks to them, but 2016 has so much in store for me, and I am more determined than ever to make it a better year than 2015 for myself. I started flicking through my thoughts about what I want to achieve, or do, or change in myself. So here is my wish list for 2016, which I hope in a years time I can review and be proud of myself to achieving my dreams for the year:
1. I want to qualify as a Registered General Nurse.
After 3 years of working my bum off to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse, this year is the year I get to finally say 'I've done it'. It has, by no means, been an easy road and I will say it over and over again, Nursing is not a normal university degree. Working full time as a nurse on placement blocks, while balancing assignments, exams, placement books and reflections and being able to enjoy life with your family and friends is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have had more low times while studying to be a nurse than I ever have in my whole life but I would not be able to do what I've always wanted to do without going through it all. I hope to qualify in October 2016, so long as I pass my 2nd year resit exam in February. Fingers crossed.
2. I want to move back home with my Mum and Dad
I can hear 80% of you reading this thinking "why on earth would a 21 year old want to move back home?" but I have struggled so much with home-sickness and feeling unsafe and lonely throughout the past 3 years while living away for university that to be back at home where I am safe, secure and never on my own is what I've wanted for a long time. No, I can't deny that I am looking forward to not having to cook for myself or wash my own clothes, or never again having to open to fridge and internally cry at the half a pepper and tub of butter sat only in the company of each other on the second shelf down, but the main reason I want to be back home is so I can be myself and be happy again. I'm not saying it's forever as hopefully after Ben has finished university in 2017, we will save up and move into our own place, but until then I would much prefer to live in my family home with my support system close and available, than in a flat on my own.
3. I want to be accepted for a newly qualified job that I actually want to do.
So many nurses have told me how after they qualified, they took the first job they could just so they could get working, or how they have took a job on a ward they didn't necessarily like or have a passion about just because they felt they had to. I know I do not want to work in medicine as for me, it doesn't give me the drive or fulfill my passion for nursing in the same way surgery does. I know I like acute and fast paced departments, and departments that take patients straight from A&E have been my favorite placements. My community placement involved spending some time with the practice nurse in the GP surgery and this is when I realised this was something I really enjoyed as I could work independently and have a problem presented to me for me to solve. Practice nursing, in my eyes, has a stronger and tighter support system with other nurses and GPs just around the corner if needed. So when I qualify I will be looking for jobs in acute surgery/outpatient settings or GP surgery settings. Watch this space.
4. I really would like to make something from this blog.
I starting writing this blog for me, and for my own personal therapy however, it quickly developed into a space for others to learn about mental health conditions like mine, and for people who struggle with them too to feel less alone and to develop the confidence to make a change for themselves. The amount of messages I have received from people I know and people I don't know thanking me for giving them the confidence to get help, or helping them learn more about it all is unreal and I will never regret starting this blog. The more this blog is being shared and liked on social media sites or shared by word of mouth, or emailed to friends, the more it is helping people all over the world (Literally, hello to those of you in Australia, Barbados, Mexico, Bolivia, Algeria and all the other countries. I see you watching me!). Because of this, my aim it to have at least 10,000 people read my blog this year so more and more people can learn and feel less alone.
5. I want to get fitter and live a healthier lifestyle.
Back in the Easter-Summer of 2015, I really had a health kick and along with a fellow nurse friend from Uni who is the best gym motivator ever, I worked out and ate healthily. I lost a healthy amount of weight and toned my body up so well. I showed everyone my 'before and after photos', even my brother and dad despite them not really wanting to see photos of me in my underwear (awks), but I was so proud of myself. I never had to force myself to go to the gym, I just simply fitted it around lectures at university and went 2 to 3 times a week. I really did enjoy it. When I started my third placement of 2nd year, I found it difficult to keep up and was too tired to fit the gym around my shifts and slowly lost the motivation. Then in August I was diagnosed with my mental illnesses and lost a lot of weight with that from not having an appetite at all. Since then, my weight has fluctuated and obviously Christmas and my love of cheese did not help. Exercise is also an amazing way to self help myself when it comes to my conditions and people have always mentioned how much more energy I had last year and how liberated I looked, and I did feel good so I would like to feel that again. I have my goal weight and I really want to reach it this year and keep myself there. With then help of my little gym buddy, I know I'll do it. (Helen, if you're reading this, thanks for offering to help me reach my goal xox)
Now the top 5 have been written an explained, here are some silly little wish list items that i'd like to achieve by 2017:
6. I want to swim in the sea. I never got to last year and I love the sea.
7. I want to say 'yes' to a lot more. It is the only way my confidence will grow and I can develop as a person.
8. I want to fill my first Project Life album.
9. I want to grow my blonde highlights out and keep my hair its natural dark brown colour. I haven't had my natural hair colour since I was 13 and kind of want to try something different!
10. I want to go to a proper spa where they do massages and things.
11. I want to stay creative and keep hand-making and personalising gifts for friends and family.
12. I want to sort my wardrobe and draws out back at home. I've has a few 'i don't wear that anymore, I'll chuck it/sell it' moments throughout the past 12 months but I have 2 sets of draws with clothes that have no organisation at all and a wardrobe with clothes not even on hangers (!!)
13. I want to successfully insert an Naso-Gastric tube for a patient.
14. I want to read at least 15 books this year.
15. I want to see a medium or a clairvoyant. Mainly because I want to see if they're real and if they are, I want to speak to my Grandad.
16. I want to go to Madame Tussaud's!!
17. I want to drink butter beer at the Warner Brothers Studios.
18. I want to own at least one more item of Mac makeup. (My Mac bronzer, kindly gifted to me by a special someone, is my absolutelife)
19. I want to watch a musical in the West End. I've always loved Les Mis but all West End musicals are a dream to me. I grew up singing along to songs from the Musicals but have never seen one.
20. I want to start my saving fund for my Invisalign braces. I need my front nashers straightening and have wanted Invisalign braces for years but I will only allow myself, with my earnings to pay for them!
Make you're own list, see what you really want to do with this year. See you in a years time to see how i've done!
Love Luce xo
1. I want to qualify as a Registered General Nurse.
After 3 years of working my bum off to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse, this year is the year I get to finally say 'I've done it'. It has, by no means, been an easy road and I will say it over and over again, Nursing is not a normal university degree. Working full time as a nurse on placement blocks, while balancing assignments, exams, placement books and reflections and being able to enjoy life with your family and friends is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have had more low times while studying to be a nurse than I ever have in my whole life but I would not be able to do what I've always wanted to do without going through it all. I hope to qualify in October 2016, so long as I pass my 2nd year resit exam in February. Fingers crossed.
2. I want to move back home with my Mum and Dad
I can hear 80% of you reading this thinking "why on earth would a 21 year old want to move back home?" but I have struggled so much with home-sickness and feeling unsafe and lonely throughout the past 3 years while living away for university that to be back at home where I am safe, secure and never on my own is what I've wanted for a long time. No, I can't deny that I am looking forward to not having to cook for myself or wash my own clothes, or never again having to open to fridge and internally cry at the half a pepper and tub of butter sat only in the company of each other on the second shelf down, but the main reason I want to be back home is so I can be myself and be happy again. I'm not saying it's forever as hopefully after Ben has finished university in 2017, we will save up and move into our own place, but until then I would much prefer to live in my family home with my support system close and available, than in a flat on my own.
3. I want to be accepted for a newly qualified job that I actually want to do.
So many nurses have told me how after they qualified, they took the first job they could just so they could get working, or how they have took a job on a ward they didn't necessarily like or have a passion about just because they felt they had to. I know I do not want to work in medicine as for me, it doesn't give me the drive or fulfill my passion for nursing in the same way surgery does. I know I like acute and fast paced departments, and departments that take patients straight from A&E have been my favorite placements. My community placement involved spending some time with the practice nurse in the GP surgery and this is when I realised this was something I really enjoyed as I could work independently and have a problem presented to me for me to solve. Practice nursing, in my eyes, has a stronger and tighter support system with other nurses and GPs just around the corner if needed. So when I qualify I will be looking for jobs in acute surgery/outpatient settings or GP surgery settings. Watch this space.
4. I really would like to make something from this blog.
I starting writing this blog for me, and for my own personal therapy however, it quickly developed into a space for others to learn about mental health conditions like mine, and for people who struggle with them too to feel less alone and to develop the confidence to make a change for themselves. The amount of messages I have received from people I know and people I don't know thanking me for giving them the confidence to get help, or helping them learn more about it all is unreal and I will never regret starting this blog. The more this blog is being shared and liked on social media sites or shared by word of mouth, or emailed to friends, the more it is helping people all over the world (Literally, hello to those of you in Australia, Barbados, Mexico, Bolivia, Algeria and all the other countries. I see you watching me!). Because of this, my aim it to have at least 10,000 people read my blog this year so more and more people can learn and feel less alone.
5. I want to get fitter and live a healthier lifestyle.
Back in the Easter-Summer of 2015, I really had a health kick and along with a fellow nurse friend from Uni who is the best gym motivator ever, I worked out and ate healthily. I lost a healthy amount of weight and toned my body up so well. I showed everyone my 'before and after photos', even my brother and dad despite them not really wanting to see photos of me in my underwear (awks), but I was so proud of myself. I never had to force myself to go to the gym, I just simply fitted it around lectures at university and went 2 to 3 times a week. I really did enjoy it. When I started my third placement of 2nd year, I found it difficult to keep up and was too tired to fit the gym around my shifts and slowly lost the motivation. Then in August I was diagnosed with my mental illnesses and lost a lot of weight with that from not having an appetite at all. Since then, my weight has fluctuated and obviously Christmas and my love of cheese did not help. Exercise is also an amazing way to self help myself when it comes to my conditions and people have always mentioned how much more energy I had last year and how liberated I looked, and I did feel good so I would like to feel that again. I have my goal weight and I really want to reach it this year and keep myself there. With then help of my little gym buddy, I know I'll do it. (Helen, if you're reading this, thanks for offering to help me reach my goal xox)
Now the top 5 have been written an explained, here are some silly little wish list items that i'd like to achieve by 2017:
6. I want to swim in the sea. I never got to last year and I love the sea.
7. I want to say 'yes' to a lot more. It is the only way my confidence will grow and I can develop as a person.
8. I want to fill my first Project Life album.
9. I want to grow my blonde highlights out and keep my hair its natural dark brown colour. I haven't had my natural hair colour since I was 13 and kind of want to try something different!
10. I want to go to a proper spa where they do massages and things.
11. I want to stay creative and keep hand-making and personalising gifts for friends and family.
12. I want to sort my wardrobe and draws out back at home. I've has a few 'i don't wear that anymore, I'll chuck it/sell it' moments throughout the past 12 months but I have 2 sets of draws with clothes that have no organisation at all and a wardrobe with clothes not even on hangers (!!)
13. I want to successfully insert an Naso-Gastric tube for a patient.
14. I want to read at least 15 books this year.
15. I want to see a medium or a clairvoyant. Mainly because I want to see if they're real and if they are, I want to speak to my Grandad.
16. I want to go to Madame Tussaud's!!
17. I want to drink butter beer at the Warner Brothers Studios.
18. I want to own at least one more item of Mac makeup. (My Mac bronzer, kindly gifted to me by a special someone, is my absolutelife)
19. I want to watch a musical in the West End. I've always loved Les Mis but all West End musicals are a dream to me. I grew up singing along to songs from the Musicals but have never seen one.
20. I want to start my saving fund for my Invisalign braces. I need my front nashers straightening and have wanted Invisalign braces for years but I will only allow myself, with my earnings to pay for them!
Make you're own list, see what you really want to do with this year. See you in a years time to see how i've done!
Love Luce xo
Friday, 1 January 2016
Page 365 of 365.
As the clock turned 12 am last night/this morning, I was surrounded by my friends and boyfriend and was honestly happy the 1st page of a new 366 page book was being opened for me. 2015 was a whirlwind of emotions and a big journey for me, and those closest to me too. I thought i'd take the opportunity to use my blog to talk about the highs and lows of my year and why I'm looking forward to 2016. This is mostly for my sake, so I can reflect on the past year, but it may also help others who have followed my blog and supported me throughout to understand a little bit more.
2015 was an odd year for me in that I could feel something inside me wasn't right from early on in the year. I moved out of my second year, privately rented university accommodation into safer student accommodation due to a case of violence and breaking and entering while in the house at the time. My Mum and Dad say that they cannot believe how well I handled this due to the fear and shock I endured the night it happened and for the month following it. Myself and my housemate were sent back to our hometowns by our university 2 weeks early for Christmas 2014 to ensure we were safe and happy which helped a lot, and moving into more secure accommodation really settled us both. Alongside this, early in the year, I was referred to a gastrointestinal consultant for a painful reflux/hiccup/squeak/weird-noise-that-sounds-like-a-dog-toy. I had to have blood tests, breath tests, multiple examinations and an endoscopy.
I started to notice my worrying and panicking over the smallest things was getting a lot worse, very quickly and it got to the point where family members and friends were starting to notice. My Mum recommended seeing a psychotherapist in my local town to see if talking to a professional would help me deal with my emotions better. This is where I was diagnosed with anxiety. My psychotherapist was lovely. I saw her regularly and she helped me dig out the cause of my anxiety which I talk about in this blog post and believe me, working it all out helped so much to not feel stupid and understand it better myself.
I then googled blogs and Pinterest boards with ideas on how to help myself with channeling my emotions, fears and worries in a creative and positive way and I started journaling fauxbonichi style (heres a link to Pinterest posts on the style I journalled in) - writing, doodling, drawing and storing memories. It helped me reflect on what I have done that day and how I feel.
In the summertime, after achieving Firsts in all my assignments and projects (70% or over), I had an exam for my nursing degree which I didn't reach the required mark to pass. This was the biggest shock to me as I have always worked my bum off to gain high grades. I was not expecting it at all and only lacked 2%. I still to this day, along with others (including academic staff!) believe I was unfairly marked, but rightly or wrongly, I decided to go ahead and just retake the exam to avoid any further stress. Things were making me very anxious for no reason now. I asked my doctor for help as it started to really affect my life and was prescribed Propanolol for anxiety to help me keep calm and settled.
4 weeks later, my boyfriend, Ben, sustained a head injury while playing football which ended up leading to an admittance to hospital. This shook me up a lot as I wanted nothing more than to come home and be with him while he was unwell but I was on placement and looking after poorly people in hospital. But it got too much and I rushed home to be with Ben. This was around the time I feel first felt the effects and signs of the panic attacks I have nowadays. The fast heart rate followed by the flush of heat and so on. A few weeks later, while I was on placement, I had my big panic attack that ended me in A&E and had me diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder (here's the blog post about that).
I was started on Citalopram and was told by my doctor I was too unwell to be in university or on placement as my mental health was too unstable and I was physically and mentally drained. I had to put myself first. I came home and spent 4 weeks getting myself better with the help with my family and was taken on a lovely week getaway with my Aunty, Uncle, Granma and cousins in Fowey in Cornwall, which helped me escape life and relax all day every day. At this time, no one knew about my diagnosis other than my immediate family, my bestfriend and boyfriend, my Aunty and my cousin, so being treated like normal and being on 'holiday' was exactly what I needed. Fowey and the people I had around me will always be so important to me for bringing me out of a dark place and giving me the courage to get up and start again. However, while in Fowey, I was told via email by my university that I wouldn't be allowed to take my resit exam due to being off sick and this may mean I will have to be deferred 6 months in my course, and this news broke my heart. I didn't want to feel like a failure to myself and to others around me. This is when I started scrapbooking with Project Life. This was my therapy and still is to this day. It is the only thing that really allows me to concentrate on happiness and good things in my life.
Luckily, after weeks of stress and anxiety, I was back at university and I was told that due to the circumstances, I wouldn't have to be deferred and would be allowed to remain in the group I started with (and now will be ending with!). I was ecstatic and was told my resit exam would be in February 2016 - plenty of time to revise. I finally felt like I could get on with my life and get myself better with the help of my support network around me.
My motivation to be organised and work hard is now stronger than it ever has been (and I didn't think it was possible!). For Christmas, my cousin bought me the Oh Deer Daily Journal for this new year which is absolutely perfect for the type of organiser I am. I blog on here to release my thoughts and help others, which is therapy for me, more than anyone realises. I am looking forward to starting a fresh page in my journal, and a fresh page in my life. 2016 is the year I turn 21, the year I become a qualified adult nurse, the year I move back home and the year for proving to myself I can do it. I am strong and I have it in me to be anything I want to be. Everyone who has supported me this year, who has written me letters, emails and texts of encouragement and pride, made me personal and special gifts after reading my blog, and those who have shown your support for me by simply liking my blog on Facebook, thank you. Thank you for sharing my story and allowing yourselves and others to learn about my disorders and the way in which I, and many others may work differently. To those of you who feel you share similarities with me, be strong, be confident and believe you can be whoever you want to be. Make this year the year you change things for yourself. Things will get better. Happy New Year Everyone. Here's to a fresh, new year.
Love Luce xo
2015 was an odd year for me in that I could feel something inside me wasn't right from early on in the year. I moved out of my second year, privately rented university accommodation into safer student accommodation due to a case of violence and breaking and entering while in the house at the time. My Mum and Dad say that they cannot believe how well I handled this due to the fear and shock I endured the night it happened and for the month following it. Myself and my housemate were sent back to our hometowns by our university 2 weeks early for Christmas 2014 to ensure we were safe and happy which helped a lot, and moving into more secure accommodation really settled us both. Alongside this, early in the year, I was referred to a gastrointestinal consultant for a painful reflux/hiccup/squeak/weird-noise-that-sounds-like-a-dog-toy. I had to have blood tests, breath tests, multiple examinations and an endoscopy.
I started to notice my worrying and panicking over the smallest things was getting a lot worse, very quickly and it got to the point where family members and friends were starting to notice. My Mum recommended seeing a psychotherapist in my local town to see if talking to a professional would help me deal with my emotions better. This is where I was diagnosed with anxiety. My psychotherapist was lovely. I saw her regularly and she helped me dig out the cause of my anxiety which I talk about in this blog post and believe me, working it all out helped so much to not feel stupid and understand it better myself.
I then googled blogs and Pinterest boards with ideas on how to help myself with channeling my emotions, fears and worries in a creative and positive way and I started journaling fauxbonichi style (heres a link to Pinterest posts on the style I journalled in) - writing, doodling, drawing and storing memories. It helped me reflect on what I have done that day and how I feel.
In the summertime, after achieving Firsts in all my assignments and projects (70% or over), I had an exam for my nursing degree which I didn't reach the required mark to pass. This was the biggest shock to me as I have always worked my bum off to gain high grades. I was not expecting it at all and only lacked 2%. I still to this day, along with others (including academic staff!) believe I was unfairly marked, but rightly or wrongly, I decided to go ahead and just retake the exam to avoid any further stress. Things were making me very anxious for no reason now. I asked my doctor for help as it started to really affect my life and was prescribed Propanolol for anxiety to help me keep calm and settled.
4 weeks later, my boyfriend, Ben, sustained a head injury while playing football which ended up leading to an admittance to hospital. This shook me up a lot as I wanted nothing more than to come home and be with him while he was unwell but I was on placement and looking after poorly people in hospital. But it got too much and I rushed home to be with Ben. This was around the time I feel first felt the effects and signs of the panic attacks I have nowadays. The fast heart rate followed by the flush of heat and so on. A few weeks later, while I was on placement, I had my big panic attack that ended me in A&E and had me diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder (here's the blog post about that).
I was started on Citalopram and was told by my doctor I was too unwell to be in university or on placement as my mental health was too unstable and I was physically and mentally drained. I had to put myself first. I came home and spent 4 weeks getting myself better with the help with my family and was taken on a lovely week getaway with my Aunty, Uncle, Granma and cousins in Fowey in Cornwall, which helped me escape life and relax all day every day. At this time, no one knew about my diagnosis other than my immediate family, my bestfriend and boyfriend, my Aunty and my cousin, so being treated like normal and being on 'holiday' was exactly what I needed. Fowey and the people I had around me will always be so important to me for bringing me out of a dark place and giving me the courage to get up and start again. However, while in Fowey, I was told via email by my university that I wouldn't be allowed to take my resit exam due to being off sick and this may mean I will have to be deferred 6 months in my course, and this news broke my heart. I didn't want to feel like a failure to myself and to others around me. This is when I started scrapbooking with Project Life. This was my therapy and still is to this day. It is the only thing that really allows me to concentrate on happiness and good things in my life.
Luckily, after weeks of stress and anxiety, I was back at university and I was told that due to the circumstances, I wouldn't have to be deferred and would be allowed to remain in the group I started with (and now will be ending with!). I was ecstatic and was told my resit exam would be in February 2016 - plenty of time to revise. I finally felt like I could get on with my life and get myself better with the help of my support network around me.
My motivation to be organised and work hard is now stronger than it ever has been (and I didn't think it was possible!). For Christmas, my cousin bought me the Oh Deer Daily Journal for this new year which is absolutely perfect for the type of organiser I am. I blog on here to release my thoughts and help others, which is therapy for me, more than anyone realises. I am looking forward to starting a fresh page in my journal, and a fresh page in my life. 2016 is the year I turn 21, the year I become a qualified adult nurse, the year I move back home and the year for proving to myself I can do it. I am strong and I have it in me to be anything I want to be. Everyone who has supported me this year, who has written me letters, emails and texts of encouragement and pride, made me personal and special gifts after reading my blog, and those who have shown your support for me by simply liking my blog on Facebook, thank you. Thank you for sharing my story and allowing yourselves and others to learn about my disorders and the way in which I, and many others may work differently. To those of you who feel you share similarities with me, be strong, be confident and believe you can be whoever you want to be. Make this year the year you change things for yourself. Things will get better. Happy New Year Everyone. Here's to a fresh, new year.
Love Luce xo
Sunday, 25 October 2015
"What have you got to worry about? You have a great life!"
An assumption made about people suffering from a mental health condition is that their lives aren't great, or that they sustained some sort of psychical or psychological trauma at some point in their life, and for some people this is true. For others this isn't the case and people like me are constantly attacked with sentences like 'what have you got to worry about?' 'your life is great, why are you making problems for yourself?' and the like. I personally have had an amazing life. I am lucky to have had a fantastic childhood, was brought up around family and friends who loved me and cared for me. Even now, despite my problems and everyday annoyances that most people come across in their day to day lives, I have such a good life, amazing family, a loving and loyal boyfriend and supportive friends so I understand why people do question my disorder. After speaking to my psychotherapist, I did find out what brought on my anxiety but I will leave that for another post, but trust me, you don't need a massive life changing event to trigger a disorder like anxiety. (Update: you can now read my story here)
The point i'm trying to make is anybody in this world, young, old, English, Asian, fat, thin, rich or poor can suffer from this and to prove it, here are some celebrities, constantly in the spotlight, famous and successful who suffer from anxiety and/or panic disorder:
1. Ellie Goulding
In 2013, Ellie spoke to the Metro about the therapy she was undergoing for her panic disorder. She first experienced it while on a train on her way to a funeral and had to tell a stranger next to her that she thought she was dying due to her fast heart rate. Her friend picked her up off the train and took her straight to A&E for her to be told it was just a panic attack.This experience sounds a lot like my one that I talk about in this post in that you genuinely think you're about to die which ultimately makes things a whole lot worse. Since then, Ellie struggles with her horrible thoughts that come with her anxiety on a regular basis but uses therapy and medication to ease her symptoms.
2. Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is famous for over 40 films and a well known (and lusted over) actor. However, Johnny suffers with severe social anxiety to the point where film premieres and public events show to be too much and the public and media often comment on this as rude. Imagine suffering from the symptoms i've spoke about in previous posts while at your film premier with people screaming your name and cameras at all angles. I personally would hate it. Johnny claims he uses relaxation techniques and medication to cope with his social anxiety.
3. Kate Moss
Kate has suffered from panic attacks from a young age and was initially trigger by relationship break downs and more surprisingly, having to pose intimately with other models for photo shoots. She speaks in the interview in Vanity Fair about not being about to get out of bed for weeks after a particularly uneasy shoot for Calvin Klein and eventually had to see her doctor for some anti-anxiety medication to calm her down.
4. Adele
Like Johnny Depp, Grammy Award winning Adele suffers with social anxiety and extreme stage fright(!). She has revealed that her anxiety and panic attacks prevent her from playing to large arenas or music festival as it is too daunting for her. She claims her anxiety was triggered when her music career began to grow and she felt the pressures of having to perform and deliver perfectly. She has even been known to sneak out the fire escape of venues to avoid having to sing in front of a crowd. To help with her anxiety, she claims she has created an 'alter-ego' who is the performer, a bit like Beyonce and Sasha-Fierce
5. Zoe Sugg (Zoella)
I know what some of you are thinking, "She's not famous". Maybe so, but she is a massive inspiration to so many people and has a huge social media fan base due to her YouTube channel. I personally have always watched Zoe on YouTube and she really inspired me and helped me when she uploaded her 'Dealing with Panic Attacks and Anxiety' video back in 2012. She has become a successful YouTube Vlogger, with over 9 million subscribers, who is constantly in the spotlight for her videos and blog, but in this video, she opens up about her struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. They were first triggered at a party when she was younger and horrifically ended up experiencing multiple panic attacks in a row. Since then she finds social gatherings, crowds, parties and other day to day things she has to deal with as a YouTuber very difficult. She is currently the digital ambassador for the charity, Mind which helps those suffering from mental health conditions.
Other celebrities who suffer from anxiety and panic disorder include Emma Stone, Drew Barrymore, Oprah Winfrey, and many more. Your life and your background doesn't reason for why you suffer with anxiety and/or panic disorder. As I've just shown, you can be the richest, most famous, most beautiful, talented person on the planet and still suffer from this condition. It also does not define who you are.
Love Luce xo
The point i'm trying to make is anybody in this world, young, old, English, Asian, fat, thin, rich or poor can suffer from this and to prove it, here are some celebrities, constantly in the spotlight, famous and successful who suffer from anxiety and/or panic disorder:
1. Ellie Goulding
In 2013, Ellie spoke to the Metro about the therapy she was undergoing for her panic disorder. She first experienced it while on a train on her way to a funeral and had to tell a stranger next to her that she thought she was dying due to her fast heart rate. Her friend picked her up off the train and took her straight to A&E for her to be told it was just a panic attack.This experience sounds a lot like my one that I talk about in this post in that you genuinely think you're about to die which ultimately makes things a whole lot worse. Since then, Ellie struggles with her horrible thoughts that come with her anxiety on a regular basis but uses therapy and medication to ease her symptoms.
2. Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is famous for over 40 films and a well known (and lusted over) actor. However, Johnny suffers with severe social anxiety to the point where film premieres and public events show to be too much and the public and media often comment on this as rude. Imagine suffering from the symptoms i've spoke about in previous posts while at your film premier with people screaming your name and cameras at all angles. I personally would hate it. Johnny claims he uses relaxation techniques and medication to cope with his social anxiety.
3. Kate Moss
Kate has suffered from panic attacks from a young age and was initially trigger by relationship break downs and more surprisingly, having to pose intimately with other models for photo shoots. She speaks in the interview in Vanity Fair about not being about to get out of bed for weeks after a particularly uneasy shoot for Calvin Klein and eventually had to see her doctor for some anti-anxiety medication to calm her down.
4. Adele
Like Johnny Depp, Grammy Award winning Adele suffers with social anxiety and extreme stage fright(!). She has revealed that her anxiety and panic attacks prevent her from playing to large arenas or music festival as it is too daunting for her. She claims her anxiety was triggered when her music career began to grow and she felt the pressures of having to perform and deliver perfectly. She has even been known to sneak out the fire escape of venues to avoid having to sing in front of a crowd. To help with her anxiety, she claims she has created an 'alter-ego' who is the performer, a bit like Beyonce and Sasha-Fierce
5. Zoe Sugg (Zoella)
I know what some of you are thinking, "She's not famous". Maybe so, but she is a massive inspiration to so many people and has a huge social media fan base due to her YouTube channel. I personally have always watched Zoe on YouTube and she really inspired me and helped me when she uploaded her 'Dealing with Panic Attacks and Anxiety' video back in 2012. She has become a successful YouTube Vlogger, with over 9 million subscribers, who is constantly in the spotlight for her videos and blog, but in this video, she opens up about her struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. They were first triggered at a party when she was younger and horrifically ended up experiencing multiple panic attacks in a row. Since then she finds social gatherings, crowds, parties and other day to day things she has to deal with as a YouTuber very difficult. She is currently the digital ambassador for the charity, Mind which helps those suffering from mental health conditions.
Other celebrities who suffer from anxiety and panic disorder include Emma Stone, Drew Barrymore, Oprah Winfrey, and many more. Your life and your background doesn't reason for why you suffer with anxiety and/or panic disorder. As I've just shown, you can be the richest, most famous, most beautiful, talented person on the planet and still suffer from this condition. It also does not define who you are.
Love Luce xo
Saturday, 24 October 2015
What is Anxiety & Panic Disorder?
By dictionary definition, anxiety is 'a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome'. Everyone will feel this emotion at some point in their life, some more frequently than others, some hardly ever. However, some of us feel it at the most random, inconvenient times when there is absolutely no reason to feel nervous, worried or scared, like me.
Panic Disorder is defined as 'recurring or regular panic attacks for unexplained reasons' and panic attacks are defined as 'an exaggeration of your body's normal response to fear, stress or excitement. It is the rapid buildup of overwhelming physical sensation such as fast heart beat, feeling faint, sweating, nausea, chest pains, inability to catch your breath, numbness and shakey limbs stimulated by the bodies natural fight-or-flight response'
Some of my triggers for my anxiety and panic attacks are what some people would consider as 'normal' such as my health, exams/assignments/deadlines in general, the unknown, trains/public transport and other people being stressed or worried. However, some of my triggers for my anxiety aren't so normal, especially for a 20 year old, for example, being in or even near a train station even if i'm not getting on a train, thinking my friends don't want anything to do with me anymore, going on a night out with people that aren't my boyfriend or my best friend or going shopping with someone and them walking off to look at something else.
That last one is a big one for me as it's how my parents know I've always had some form of anxiety. Embarrassingly, until the age of 16, if I went anywhere with anyone, I would not leave their side. At around 11/12, I got into the habit of holding onto the person I was with top or coat so I knew they wouldn't 'run off'. In my head, if they leave me, they won't come back for me. This is an example of the irrational side that anxiety has caused me to be. The rational side of me would say 'but that's silly. Of course they'll come back for you. You're in Tescos and they've gone to buy find the toilet cleaner while you were looking at the selection of blue cheeses. They will come back'. This is one of the biggest problems with understanding someone with anxiety and/or panic disorder as the rational mind of someone who doesn't suffer with it cannot comprehend the irrational mind of someone who does suffer, and that's okay. It is a hard concept to understand.
Onto the biology of it now! Anxiety is not 'being scared for no reason' or 'worrying over nothing'. Statements like that upset people who have the condition as its not as simple as 'being worried/scared over nothing'. Anxiety and panic disorder is the body stimulating a fight or flight response which psychologists have studied and have linked it back to caveman times. When something that is scary or threatening faces you, your body either works itself up and releases the chemical adrenaline to fight it or to run away from it. Both of these choices need energy, extra blood flow to muscles and organs, extra oxygen, enlarged pupils etc to help solve the problem. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase, your breathes increase, your pupils widen and your muscles get read to fight or run. As you can imagine, this is fantastic for when you're house is on fire and you need to get out quick or another event similar to this where you really do need to fight something or get away from it. However, for people like me, this response is triggered by the most random things and as I said, at sometimes very inconvenient times. I explain it to my friends and family as you know when you walk down the stairs and you miss the bottom step and your heart skips a beat, that's a miniature dose of the anxiety that I feel, for sometimes no reason at all.
I can honestly tell you that it is draining. Most of the time my mind constantly works on overtime, worrying about what if's, thinking about things that have either happened and I can't change or things that haven't happened yet, and due to my lovely body kicking into fight or flight response, I then have all of this adrenaline with no where to go. If I can't settle myself down or have someone help me calm down - panic attack.
Some of my symptoms of increased anxiety or my anxiety developing into a panic attack are a numb face and fingers, a quick hot flush from my feet up to my head, being able to hear nothing but my own, fast, heartbeat and blotchy static vision. I talk about my largest and most frightening panic attack in this post if you want to read more.
So that's a brief insight into what anxiety and panic disorder is for me but I must note that it really is different for everyone. Everyone has different triggers, feel different symptoms and handle it differently. It is not an uncommon problem and many people suffer from mental health conditions such as anxiety and panic disorder without telling anybody. I hope I have helped you understand it all a bit more by opening up or made you feel like you are not alone if you go through similar feelings too. Feel free to message me or leave a comment.
Love Luce xo
Panic Disorder is defined as 'recurring or regular panic attacks for unexplained reasons' and panic attacks are defined as 'an exaggeration of your body's normal response to fear, stress or excitement. It is the rapid buildup of overwhelming physical sensation such as fast heart beat, feeling faint, sweating, nausea, chest pains, inability to catch your breath, numbness and shakey limbs stimulated by the bodies natural fight-or-flight response'
Some of my triggers for my anxiety and panic attacks are what some people would consider as 'normal' such as my health, exams/assignments/deadlines in general, the unknown, trains/public transport and other people being stressed or worried. However, some of my triggers for my anxiety aren't so normal, especially for a 20 year old, for example, being in or even near a train station even if i'm not getting on a train, thinking my friends don't want anything to do with me anymore, going on a night out with people that aren't my boyfriend or my best friend or going shopping with someone and them walking off to look at something else.
That last one is a big one for me as it's how my parents know I've always had some form of anxiety. Embarrassingly, until the age of 16, if I went anywhere with anyone, I would not leave their side. At around 11/12, I got into the habit of holding onto the person I was with top or coat so I knew they wouldn't 'run off'. In my head, if they leave me, they won't come back for me. This is an example of the irrational side that anxiety has caused me to be. The rational side of me would say 'but that's silly. Of course they'll come back for you. You're in Tescos and they've gone to buy find the toilet cleaner while you were looking at the selection of blue cheeses. They will come back'. This is one of the biggest problems with understanding someone with anxiety and/or panic disorder as the rational mind of someone who doesn't suffer with it cannot comprehend the irrational mind of someone who does suffer, and that's okay. It is a hard concept to understand.
Onto the biology of it now! Anxiety is not 'being scared for no reason' or 'worrying over nothing'. Statements like that upset people who have the condition as its not as simple as 'being worried/scared over nothing'. Anxiety and panic disorder is the body stimulating a fight or flight response which psychologists have studied and have linked it back to caveman times. When something that is scary or threatening faces you, your body either works itself up and releases the chemical adrenaline to fight it or to run away from it. Both of these choices need energy, extra blood flow to muscles and organs, extra oxygen, enlarged pupils etc to help solve the problem. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase, your breathes increase, your pupils widen and your muscles get read to fight or run. As you can imagine, this is fantastic for when you're house is on fire and you need to get out quick or another event similar to this where you really do need to fight something or get away from it. However, for people like me, this response is triggered by the most random things and as I said, at sometimes very inconvenient times. I explain it to my friends and family as you know when you walk down the stairs and you miss the bottom step and your heart skips a beat, that's a miniature dose of the anxiety that I feel, for sometimes no reason at all.
I can honestly tell you that it is draining. Most of the time my mind constantly works on overtime, worrying about what if's, thinking about things that have either happened and I can't change or things that haven't happened yet, and due to my lovely body kicking into fight or flight response, I then have all of this adrenaline with no where to go. If I can't settle myself down or have someone help me calm down - panic attack.
Some of my symptoms of increased anxiety or my anxiety developing into a panic attack are a numb face and fingers, a quick hot flush from my feet up to my head, being able to hear nothing but my own, fast, heartbeat and blotchy static vision. I talk about my largest and most frightening panic attack in this post if you want to read more.
So that's a brief insight into what anxiety and panic disorder is for me but I must note that it really is different for everyone. Everyone has different triggers, feel different symptoms and handle it differently. It is not an uncommon problem and many people suffer from mental health conditions such as anxiety and panic disorder without telling anybody. I hope I have helped you understand it all a bit more by opening up or made you feel like you are not alone if you go through similar feelings too. Feel free to message me or leave a comment.
Love Luce xo
Advice for Student Nurses
So as a third year student nurse who will be hopefully qualifying in approximately 11 months (eeeee!) I thought it would be a good idea to hand down my advice from my 2 full years of studying for a nursing degree to those in the first year or those who are thinking about choosing to study a degree in nursing. I write this post as if I was telling my first year self this advice as I would have loved to read or for someone to tell me something like this.
1. Be confident. I suffer with anxiety and I found it took me a while to adjust to walking onto a ward and suddenly, people the age of my Mum and Grandma were asking me for help. Me! You are training to help others, whether you're a childrens nurse, adult nurse, mental health nurse or learning disability nurse, people will need you and you have to be confident in yourself that you can do that. This is your degree, no one elses and you really do get out what you put in. You wont always get everything right, especially to start with, but don't panic. You are there to learn, and learning new skills brings confidence. You will get the hang of it no matter how much you tell yourself you wont. Which brings me onto my next piece of advice...
2. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are not going to be expected to know everything as a first year student nurse. As you develop and grow, nurses expectations will begin to grow too and by that I mean by your 10th week of placement, your mentor will probably expect you to not still be following her around asking "what shall I do now?". You are given placements to learn and develop the skills you will need when you qualify and you are given mentors to help teach you these, so asking for help is never a bad thing. In a job like nursing, if you guess things you are not sure on, it could be detrimental to the health of your patient. Don't quite know which dressing to redress Bay 2 Bed 4's diabetic foot ulcer with? Ask. Don't know why Side Room 3's urine output is being measured every hour? Ask. The more you ask, the more you learn. My advice is for typical nursing knowledge such as dressings, size of catheters or length of NG tubes, ask your mentor how you know which one would be best and make a note of it in a notebook. Then you can always look back on 'How to measure an NG tube' for example.
3. Grab all opportunities. On placement, you will have so many opportunities to experience other members of staffs roles, such as physios, dietitians, OT's etc and this helps you as a student nurse develop your knowledge of the multi-disciplinary team. You may also get opportunities to work in other departments such as theaters under your specialty and I would highly recommend you take these experiences with open arms. It not only gives you experience of the patient journey but you also get to see things normal people never get to see - inside an operating theater! Even if a nurse is doing a basic skill such as changing a dressing or maybe a more advanced skills such as inserting an NG tube, ask if you can watch. In my experience, most nurses let you get hands on after 1 or two observations which is always a confidence booster!
4. Keep on top of your work. You will get periods of time where you are on placement working long hours and you also have an assignment or project to complete too. It can become daunting to think that when you get home after a 12 hour shift, you have to sit and write some more assignment. My advice for this would be to structure your time. If it's possible, try and get some of your theory work done before your practical starts, this way you wont have as much to do while you're tired, emotional and worn out from placement. If you have to complete theory work during a placement block, do this on your days off or if you work half days, do it on the other half of your day. This way, you're not exhausting yourself. If you try and do too much at once, your brain will fry and your work wont be the best you could have done, but if you leave it too long, you'll end up rushing it and your work will again be affected. Structure your time properly. Give yourself mini deadlines.For example, do 200 words by the end of the week. Doesn't seem as daunting like that, does it?
5. They're there to help. Lecturers, tutors, programme leaders, mentors and support staff are all employed to help you. It is their job, so you should never be scared to go to them for advice and support, especially if you are struggling in either theory or practice. They will be able to help. The best bit about being a student nurse in university is that all of your academic staff within the nursing department are nurses - they have been in your shoes! They're also usually caring, understanding and empathetic people. I would advise you to meet up with your personal tutor at least once a semester to update him/her with how you're getting on, and this gives you an opportunity to ask any questions or ask for help or support on anything. In my experience, if they can't help directly, they will always signpost you to someone who can.
That's my 5 main pieces of advice for new student nurses from the experience that i've had. It's okay to need help, it's okay to be in touch with your emotions, it's okay to have down days and feel stressed out but always remember that you are studying to be somebody who will change so many peoples lives. Even as a student nurse, you will find this. It will be so worth it in the end. Drop me a comment or email me if you have any further questions regarding this topic - i'm always happy to help.
Love Luce xo
1. Be confident. I suffer with anxiety and I found it took me a while to adjust to walking onto a ward and suddenly, people the age of my Mum and Grandma were asking me for help. Me! You are training to help others, whether you're a childrens nurse, adult nurse, mental health nurse or learning disability nurse, people will need you and you have to be confident in yourself that you can do that. This is your degree, no one elses and you really do get out what you put in. You wont always get everything right, especially to start with, but don't panic. You are there to learn, and learning new skills brings confidence. You will get the hang of it no matter how much you tell yourself you wont. Which brings me onto my next piece of advice...
2. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are not going to be expected to know everything as a first year student nurse. As you develop and grow, nurses expectations will begin to grow too and by that I mean by your 10th week of placement, your mentor will probably expect you to not still be following her around asking "what shall I do now?". You are given placements to learn and develop the skills you will need when you qualify and you are given mentors to help teach you these, so asking for help is never a bad thing. In a job like nursing, if you guess things you are not sure on, it could be detrimental to the health of your patient. Don't quite know which dressing to redress Bay 2 Bed 4's diabetic foot ulcer with? Ask. Don't know why Side Room 3's urine output is being measured every hour? Ask. The more you ask, the more you learn. My advice is for typical nursing knowledge such as dressings, size of catheters or length of NG tubes, ask your mentor how you know which one would be best and make a note of it in a notebook. Then you can always look back on 'How to measure an NG tube' for example.
3. Grab all opportunities. On placement, you will have so many opportunities to experience other members of staffs roles, such as physios, dietitians, OT's etc and this helps you as a student nurse develop your knowledge of the multi-disciplinary team. You may also get opportunities to work in other departments such as theaters under your specialty and I would highly recommend you take these experiences with open arms. It not only gives you experience of the patient journey but you also get to see things normal people never get to see - inside an operating theater! Even if a nurse is doing a basic skill such as changing a dressing or maybe a more advanced skills such as inserting an NG tube, ask if you can watch. In my experience, most nurses let you get hands on after 1 or two observations which is always a confidence booster!
4. Keep on top of your work. You will get periods of time where you are on placement working long hours and you also have an assignment or project to complete too. It can become daunting to think that when you get home after a 12 hour shift, you have to sit and write some more assignment. My advice for this would be to structure your time. If it's possible, try and get some of your theory work done before your practical starts, this way you wont have as much to do while you're tired, emotional and worn out from placement. If you have to complete theory work during a placement block, do this on your days off or if you work half days, do it on the other half of your day. This way, you're not exhausting yourself. If you try and do too much at once, your brain will fry and your work wont be the best you could have done, but if you leave it too long, you'll end up rushing it and your work will again be affected. Structure your time properly. Give yourself mini deadlines.For example, do 200 words by the end of the week. Doesn't seem as daunting like that, does it?
5. They're there to help. Lecturers, tutors, programme leaders, mentors and support staff are all employed to help you. It is their job, so you should never be scared to go to them for advice and support, especially if you are struggling in either theory or practice. They will be able to help. The best bit about being a student nurse in university is that all of your academic staff within the nursing department are nurses - they have been in your shoes! They're also usually caring, understanding and empathetic people. I would advise you to meet up with your personal tutor at least once a semester to update him/her with how you're getting on, and this gives you an opportunity to ask any questions or ask for help or support on anything. In my experience, if they can't help directly, they will always signpost you to someone who can.
That's my 5 main pieces of advice for new student nurses from the experience that i've had. It's okay to need help, it's okay to be in touch with your emotions, it's okay to have down days and feel stressed out but always remember that you are studying to be somebody who will change so many peoples lives. Even as a student nurse, you will find this. It will be so worth it in the end. Drop me a comment or email me if you have any further questions regarding this topic - i'm always happy to help.
Love Luce xo
Anxiety and Panic Disorder | My Diagnosis.
I never thought I would be someone who would suffer with a mental health condition. Before starting my nursing degree, I thought that someone with mental health conditions were the type of people you see on Shutter Island or on documentaries looking into insane asylums. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have always been a worrier, always been clingy, always panicked and got anxious and upset over the smallest things even as a small child, and I will talk about all of this in a future blog post.
Over the summer months of this year, I felt my anxiety and fear of everything get worse and worse to the point where I stayed in bed, feeling homesick, feeling physically unwell and struggling to talk to anyone about it. One morning, I was on a shift at my placement, setting equipment up, no patients had even arrived yet when, out of nowhere, I started to feel that well known drop in my stomach, flood of heat from my feet to my head and suddenly my heart started racing. I had to take a breather in the treatment room. I had told myself that if my anxiety ever bothered me while i'm at work, I would do something about it and so finally decided to call up my doctors surgery for help and advice. I saw a doctor that evening and he spent a long time talking things through with me, explaining what anxiety is and how it affects the body and how I have been suffering with it and coping with it. I told him that as soon as I feel my heart begin to race, everything escalates and makes me worse. With this, he took my pulse, which although I was calm, was around 117bpm (normal resting heart rate is between 60 and 100bpm) and prescribed me Propanalol 3 times daily. Propanolol is a medication which targets the natural pacemaker of the heart (sinoatrial node) to help calm the heart rate down to a normal level in hope that when I experienced a particularly anxious moment, my heart wont beat out of control as is had been doing. Although doing what it was meant to do and keeping my pulse at around 60-70bpm resting, it gave me awful side effects which included terrible insomnia, lack of appetite, fatigue and tiredness all the time and I just generally lost my energy and motivation to do anything.
4 weeks later, at my medication review, my doctor was not happy with the side effects I was experiencing and explained that in the long run, it could have a detrimental effect on my health and energy levels, especially because I was on my placement at the time which wouldn't help the situation. I came off Propanolol and was prescribed Citalopram 1-2 times daily. Citalopram is a selective serotonin re uptake inhibitoror SSRI, so stimulates the release of more of the 'happiness' hormone, serotonin. I was wary about starting on Citalopram due to the fact that it belongs to the family of anti-depressants, and although I was experiencing periods of very low moods, I was not depressed. I was anxious. My doctor explained how it would benefit me and help me and also explained how it was very common to experience some side effects from the medication for up to 4 weeks while the body becomes accustom to it, however I trusted my doctor and began taking them. It was here that I got given the diagnosis of 'Anxiety and Panic Disorder'.
2 days into my Citalopram, I woke up, took my tablet and got ready for my 13 hour shift. I felt fine. I walked to the bus stop, caught my bus, walked onto the ward. I still felt fine. The night staff began handing over any over night changes to us. As we walked into the last bay of patients, I said 'Good Morning' to my patients one by one and listened to the night nurse hand over. Three patients in, I began to feel very shakey and my heart began to race like I have never felt it race before. I could also hear only my heart beat - it was almostlike someone had turned the volume off in the world and all I could hear was my heartbeat. My fingers and right side of my face went numb and my vision became distorted, not blurred, sort of like blotchy and like I was looking at a TV on static, and then a rush of heat flew up to my head. As I turned to tell the nurse I was working with that I was going to take a breather, I collapsed. I never lost consciousness and luckily, my knees buckled under me so I didn't hit my head on anything. The staff grabbed an observation machine and checked my vitals. Everything was sky high and the nurse in change told me to get to A&E so they can check out my heart as my heart rate and blood pressure was scarily high.
In A&E they did an ECG, did my vital observations again which had slowed down slightly. After being poked and prodded, I saw a doctor who looked at my symptoms, looked at my doctors notes from recent appointments and quite bluntly said 'you've had a panic attack'. I didn't believe him. I told him that i've had a panic attack before and I know that what just happened wasn't a panic attack, nothing had triggered it - I was fine before. He explained that all my symptoms, 13 hour shifts, other stresses from personal life, plus the side effects still remaining from the Propanolol had exhausted my body and just put my into a state of panic . He then leaned over his desk and said "My dear, panic attacks don't always need a trigger. Its your body thinking you need to escape from somewhere, or sometimes even escape from yourself". He also explained that for the first few weeks of starting on Citalopram, anxiety can get worse before it gets better (he was spot on!). So he prescribed me one dose of Lorezopam, another anti-anxiety medication, told me to take one and go to bed for the rest of the day. I did.
The next day, I emailed my personal tutor at university to let him know what had happened as it's university-placement protocol to let your personal tutor know if you have had a day off or have been absent. The reply I received back told me to phone my placement, tell them I wont be returning (I had 4 weeks left) and to see my doctor as I didn't sound well enough to continue caring for others. I saw a lovely doctor the day after who took one look at me and signed me off sick for a month. I went home to be with my family but I struggled a lot for those 4 weeks mainly due to the fact that my time off sick possibly meant I would have had to move back 6 months on my course to redo an exam I would be missing and to redo my last placement. I tried my hardest to push against all of the side effects and bad thoughts I experienced and 2-3 weeks in, with the help of my family, I finally began to feel better.
My medication is working well and my doctor is very happy with my progress. It also helps that my lecturers, personal tutor and programme leader are all nurses and so showed empathy and support when I returned back. I wasn't in the end made to be deferred 6 months due to the circumstances my sickness was for which was a huge relief for me. As anyone with anxiety will know, I still have my bad days, but I also have amazing days which I never experienced before I started my medication when my anxiety was bad. Everyday I wake up and tell myself to be thankful and happy for who I am and the opportunities, people and things I have in my life. I'm working on becoming healthier and happier and continue to help myself with my anxiety while helping others with their struggles too.
Here are some great links that I personally used when understanding what my diagnosis was and I even used them to help my family, boyfriend and best friend to understand how I was feeling, the struggles I go through at times and to learn how they can help me.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.ViusP_mrTNM
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx
I will be writing more posts in the near future detailing what goes on in my mind when I am anxious, how other people in my life see it and deal with it and where my anxiety began and started but if anyone reading this wants to know more information or wants help and advice, please leave a comment or email me - I am always more than happy to help.
Love Luce xo
Over the summer months of this year, I felt my anxiety and fear of everything get worse and worse to the point where I stayed in bed, feeling homesick, feeling physically unwell and struggling to talk to anyone about it. One morning, I was on a shift at my placement, setting equipment up, no patients had even arrived yet when, out of nowhere, I started to feel that well known drop in my stomach, flood of heat from my feet to my head and suddenly my heart started racing. I had to take a breather in the treatment room. I had told myself that if my anxiety ever bothered me while i'm at work, I would do something about it and so finally decided to call up my doctors surgery for help and advice. I saw a doctor that evening and he spent a long time talking things through with me, explaining what anxiety is and how it affects the body and how I have been suffering with it and coping with it. I told him that as soon as I feel my heart begin to race, everything escalates and makes me worse. With this, he took my pulse, which although I was calm, was around 117bpm (normal resting heart rate is between 60 and 100bpm) and prescribed me Propanalol 3 times daily. Propanolol is a medication which targets the natural pacemaker of the heart (sinoatrial node) to help calm the heart rate down to a normal level in hope that when I experienced a particularly anxious moment, my heart wont beat out of control as is had been doing. Although doing what it was meant to do and keeping my pulse at around 60-70bpm resting, it gave me awful side effects which included terrible insomnia, lack of appetite, fatigue and tiredness all the time and I just generally lost my energy and motivation to do anything.
4 weeks later, at my medication review, my doctor was not happy with the side effects I was experiencing and explained that in the long run, it could have a detrimental effect on my health and energy levels, especially because I was on my placement at the time which wouldn't help the situation. I came off Propanolol and was prescribed Citalopram 1-2 times daily. Citalopram is a selective serotonin re uptake inhibitoror SSRI, so stimulates the release of more of the 'happiness' hormone, serotonin. I was wary about starting on Citalopram due to the fact that it belongs to the family of anti-depressants, and although I was experiencing periods of very low moods, I was not depressed. I was anxious. My doctor explained how it would benefit me and help me and also explained how it was very common to experience some side effects from the medication for up to 4 weeks while the body becomes accustom to it, however I trusted my doctor and began taking them. It was here that I got given the diagnosis of 'Anxiety and Panic Disorder'.
2 days into my Citalopram, I woke up, took my tablet and got ready for my 13 hour shift. I felt fine. I walked to the bus stop, caught my bus, walked onto the ward. I still felt fine. The night staff began handing over any over night changes to us. As we walked into the last bay of patients, I said 'Good Morning' to my patients one by one and listened to the night nurse hand over. Three patients in, I began to feel very shakey and my heart began to race like I have never felt it race before. I could also hear only my heart beat - it was almostlike someone had turned the volume off in the world and all I could hear was my heartbeat. My fingers and right side of my face went numb and my vision became distorted, not blurred, sort of like blotchy and like I was looking at a TV on static, and then a rush of heat flew up to my head. As I turned to tell the nurse I was working with that I was going to take a breather, I collapsed. I never lost consciousness and luckily, my knees buckled under me so I didn't hit my head on anything. The staff grabbed an observation machine and checked my vitals. Everything was sky high and the nurse in change told me to get to A&E so they can check out my heart as my heart rate and blood pressure was scarily high.
In A&E they did an ECG, did my vital observations again which had slowed down slightly. After being poked and prodded, I saw a doctor who looked at my symptoms, looked at my doctors notes from recent appointments and quite bluntly said 'you've had a panic attack'. I didn't believe him. I told him that i've had a panic attack before and I know that what just happened wasn't a panic attack, nothing had triggered it - I was fine before. He explained that all my symptoms, 13 hour shifts, other stresses from personal life, plus the side effects still remaining from the Propanolol had exhausted my body and just put my into a state of panic . He then leaned over his desk and said "My dear, panic attacks don't always need a trigger. Its your body thinking you need to escape from somewhere, or sometimes even escape from yourself". He also explained that for the first few weeks of starting on Citalopram, anxiety can get worse before it gets better (he was spot on!). So he prescribed me one dose of Lorezopam, another anti-anxiety medication, told me to take one and go to bed for the rest of the day. I did.
The next day, I emailed my personal tutor at university to let him know what had happened as it's university-placement protocol to let your personal tutor know if you have had a day off or have been absent. The reply I received back told me to phone my placement, tell them I wont be returning (I had 4 weeks left) and to see my doctor as I didn't sound well enough to continue caring for others. I saw a lovely doctor the day after who took one look at me and signed me off sick for a month. I went home to be with my family but I struggled a lot for those 4 weeks mainly due to the fact that my time off sick possibly meant I would have had to move back 6 months on my course to redo an exam I would be missing and to redo my last placement. I tried my hardest to push against all of the side effects and bad thoughts I experienced and 2-3 weeks in, with the help of my family, I finally began to feel better.
My medication is working well and my doctor is very happy with my progress. It also helps that my lecturers, personal tutor and programme leader are all nurses and so showed empathy and support when I returned back. I wasn't in the end made to be deferred 6 months due to the circumstances my sickness was for which was a huge relief for me. As anyone with anxiety will know, I still have my bad days, but I also have amazing days which I never experienced before I started my medication when my anxiety was bad. Everyday I wake up and tell myself to be thankful and happy for who I am and the opportunities, people and things I have in my life. I'm working on becoming healthier and happier and continue to help myself with my anxiety while helping others with their struggles too.
Here are some great links that I personally used when understanding what my diagnosis was and I even used them to help my family, boyfriend and best friend to understand how I was feeling, the struggles I go through at times and to learn how they can help me.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.ViusP_mrTNM
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx
I will be writing more posts in the near future detailing what goes on in my mind when I am anxious, how other people in my life see it and deal with it and where my anxiety began and started but if anyone reading this wants to know more information or wants help and advice, please leave a comment or email me - I am always more than happy to help.
Love Luce xo
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