As the clock turned 12 am last night/this morning, I was surrounded by my friends and boyfriend and was honestly happy the 1st page of a new 366 page book was being opened for me. 2015 was a whirlwind of emotions and a big journey for me, and those closest to me too. I thought i'd take the opportunity to use my blog to talk about the highs and lows of my year and why I'm looking forward to 2016. This is mostly for my sake, so I can reflect on the past year, but it may also help others who have followed my blog and supported me throughout to understand a little bit more.
2015 was an odd year for me in that I could feel something inside me wasn't right from early on in the year. I moved out of my second year, privately rented university accommodation into safer student accommodation due to a case of violence and breaking and entering while in the house at the time. My Mum and Dad say that they cannot believe how well I handled this due to the fear and shock I endured the night it happened and for the month following it. Myself and my housemate were sent back to our hometowns by our university 2 weeks early for Christmas 2014 to ensure we were safe and happy which helped a lot, and moving into more secure accommodation really settled us both. Alongside this, early in the year, I was referred to a gastrointestinal consultant for a painful reflux/hiccup/squeak/weird-noise-that-sounds-like-a-dog-toy. I had to have blood tests, breath tests, multiple examinations and an endoscopy.
I started to notice my worrying and panicking over the smallest things was getting a lot worse, very quickly and it got to the point where family members and friends were starting to notice. My Mum recommended seeing a psychotherapist in my local town to see if talking to a professional would help me deal with my emotions better. This is where I was diagnosed with anxiety. My psychotherapist was lovely. I saw her regularly and she helped me dig out the cause of my anxiety which I talk about in this blog post and believe me, working it all out helped so much to not feel stupid and understand it better myself.
I then googled blogs and Pinterest boards with ideas on how to help myself with channeling my emotions, fears and worries in a creative and positive way and I started journaling fauxbonichi style (heres a link to Pinterest posts on the style I journalled in) - writing, doodling, drawing and storing memories. It helped me reflect on what I have done that day and how I feel.
In the summertime, after achieving Firsts in all my assignments and projects (70% or over), I had an exam for my nursing degree which I didn't reach the required mark to pass. This was the biggest shock to me as I have always worked my bum off to gain high grades. I was not expecting it at all and only lacked 2%. I still to this day, along with others (including academic staff!) believe I was unfairly marked, but rightly or wrongly, I decided to go ahead and just retake the exam to avoid any further stress. Things were making me very anxious for no reason now. I asked my doctor for help as it started to really affect my life and was prescribed Propanolol for anxiety to help me keep calm and settled.
4 weeks later, my boyfriend, Ben, sustained a head injury while playing football which ended up leading to an admittance to hospital. This shook me up a lot as I wanted nothing more than to come home and be with him while he was unwell but I was on placement and looking after poorly people in hospital. But it got too much and I rushed home to be with Ben. This was around the time I feel first felt the effects and signs of the panic attacks I have nowadays. The fast heart rate followed by the flush of heat and so on. A few weeks later, while I was on placement, I had my big panic attack that ended me in A&E and had me diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder (here's the blog post about that).
I was started on Citalopram and was told by my doctor I was too unwell to be in university or on placement as my mental health was too unstable and I was physically and mentally drained. I had to put myself first. I came home and spent 4 weeks getting myself better with the help with my family and was taken on a lovely week getaway with my Aunty, Uncle, Granma and cousins in Fowey in Cornwall, which helped me escape life and relax all day every day. At this time, no one knew about my diagnosis other than my immediate family, my bestfriend and boyfriend, my Aunty and my cousin, so being treated like normal and being on 'holiday' was exactly what I needed. Fowey and the people I had around me will always be so important to me for bringing me out of a dark place and giving me the courage to get up and start again. However, while in Fowey, I was told via email by my university that I wouldn't be allowed to take my resit exam due to being off sick and this may mean I will have to be deferred 6 months in my course, and this news broke my heart. I didn't want to feel like a failure to myself and to others around me. This is when I started scrapbooking with Project Life. This was my therapy and still is to this day. It is the only thing that really allows me to concentrate on happiness and good things in my life.
Luckily, after weeks of stress and anxiety, I was back at university and I was told that due to the circumstances, I wouldn't have to be deferred and would be allowed to remain in the group I started with (and now will be ending with!). I was ecstatic and was told my resit exam would be in February 2016 - plenty of time to revise. I finally felt like I could get on with my life and get myself better with the help of my support network around me.
My motivation to be organised and work hard is now stronger than it ever has been (and I didn't think it was possible!). For Christmas, my cousin bought me the Oh Deer Daily Journal for this new year which is absolutely perfect for the type of organiser I am. I blog on here to release my thoughts and help others, which is therapy for me, more than anyone realises. I am looking forward to starting a fresh page in my journal, and a fresh page in my life. 2016 is the year I turn 21, the year I become a qualified adult nurse, the year I move back home and the year for proving to myself I can do it. I am strong and I have it in me to be anything I want to be. Everyone who has supported me this year, who has written me letters, emails and texts of encouragement and pride, made me personal and special gifts after reading my blog, and those who have shown your support for me by simply liking my blog on Facebook, thank you. Thank you for sharing my story and allowing yourselves and others to learn about my disorders and the way in which I, and many others may work differently. To those of you who feel you share similarities with me, be strong, be confident and believe you can be whoever you want to be. Make this year the year you change things for yourself. Things will get better. Happy New Year Everyone. Here's to a fresh, new year.
Love Luce xo
This blog post will be slightly different from my usual blog posts but still related in the fact that it's a true account of my general day working on the ward as a third year student nurse. It also allows people to see that even while battling with anxiety and panic disorder, I can still work hard to achieve my goals in life. Every day is different and each ward is different but this account is for my 12.5 hour shift on my current placement on a busy Surgical Assessment Unit. (Apologies in advance for the length but it's really hard to condense this sort of post down!)
6.20am - Alarm goes off. I take my medication and lay in bed and scroll through my social media, check my emails and texts.
6.40am - Get up, start getting ready.
I have a uniform provided by my university consisting of beautiful grey trousers which fasten above my belly button(!!), white tunic and blue epaulets. The epaulets are different shades of blue for each of the 3 years training to help staff and patients distinguish how far along in your training you are. I wear a fob watch given to me by my brother on my 18th birthday, my 'my name is...' badge and my lanyard with my student ID on. In my pockets I keep two black pens, a small notepad and a lip balm. My phone stays in there as well while i'm on shift due to students not having anywhere secure to lock their belongings away like permanent members of staff do.
I have to have no nail polish, no jewelry apart from stud earrings and my hair up and off my shoulders for infection control purposes so my go-to hair style is usually either a high pony tail or a messy bun. I very rarely wear makeup to work as I am a bugger for rubbing my eyes throughout the day and it would end up all over my face if I did apply it, but sometimes a bit of coverage is needed, especially when not much sleep has been gained overnight!
My shoes were not provided by the university but this pair are from Skechers and are my third pair of nursing shoes. I have previously owned these Shoes for Crews trainer style ones which I do occasionally go back to as it is good to change up shoes for when you have a long run of shifts - apparently it's good for your feet! My first pair of nursing shoes were these Skechers shoes, and they served me through 6 and a half placements but sadly they gradually got too worn to wear. Admittedly, I was able to get staff discount from a friend who works as Skechers but I 100% think they're worth the money. My feet are so thankful for Skechers so I would highly recommend them for those of you who do long shifts and are always on your feet.
7.10am - Leave my flat for work. The walk to work takes 10 minutes but I like to arrive early so I don't feel rushed. It also helps for particularly anxious mornings when I can take those few extra minutes before the shift starts to focus on the day, prepare for it and get accustom to my environment.
7.30am - Hand over. This is the time in the morning when the night staff hand over their patients to the day staff. We are given printed sheets of paper with the names of each patient, their age, why they're in hospital, their diagnosis and their plan for recovery. It is particularly important to pay attention throughout handover as this is where vital information about patients are given to you. For example, if a patient is going for an operation, they will be Nil By Mouth in preparation for their anesthetic (they wont be allowed to eat or drink). If you miss this information, you could ruin the plan for that patient and potentially make their situation worse. Hand over is also a chance to say Good Morning to my patients and introduce myself if I don't already know them.
7.45am - Assisting patients with washing and dressing. I know right! It's too early to be getting poorly, sleep deprived patients up and out of bed to change their bed sheets but it has to be done to allow the day to run smoothly. Some patients are independent and will take themselves to the ward shower when they feel ready to, but for those who need assistance in washing and dressing, this is usually done first thing in the morning.
8.30am - Alongside a qualified nurse, I will assist in administering the morning medication to the patients. These are all the tablets that the patient would usually take in the morning if they were at home, plus any medications that the doctor has prescribed for their recovery process while in hospital. They can be all sorts of medication from tablets, injections, liquids, IV medication (or drips) or nebulisers to be breathed in. Some patient who have nasogastric tubes or PEG feeding tubes may also need their medications crushing and administering through their tube. Similarly, some patients may need assistance with physically taking their medication, and I will assist with this. On admission, all patients are also prescribed a bottle of Stelisept body wash and a tube of Bactroban nasal ointment which both help prevent the spread of MRSA in hospitals, so during medication round, I ensure my patients have used both. Before all medications are given to the patient, I have to ask the patient their name and date of birth to ensure I am giving the medication to the right patient and ask if they have any allergies in case something has been prescribed that they are allergic to. I have to ensure the medications are in date, are prescribed by a doctor, are being given at the right time, are the right dose and are being given the correct way (e.g. tablet or injection). The medication round usually takes 30-40 minutes depending on the amount of patients and complexity of their medications.
9.20am - This is usually the time I spend doing any tasks that need doing. In handover, the night nurse will share information given to them by doctors over night to help with the diagnosis and treatment for a patient. Especially on the ward I am on now, there are a lot of patients admitted throughout the night from A&E and so tasks such as urine dips, stool/urine/sputum samples, wound swabs and wound dressings are usually done at this time. I use a tick box system in my notepad to ensure I get all my tasks done. I will also assist patients to the toilet, support anxious, worried patients, patients who are in pain or patients who are vomiting, as hospital can be a very lonely place, especially when you're feeling unwell. Paperwork is also completed throughout the day, including bowel and bladder movements, the changes in position of a patient (even if they're only minor as it helps regulate the risk of the patient developing a pressure ulcer), fluid input and output, and general nursing notes.
10.15am - This is usually when I get my first break. Sometimes it is earlier, sometimes it is later. It all depends on how hectic the morning has been or how hectic the late morning is expected to be. The good thing about a surgical assessment unit is we have a running update of how many patients we are expecting to be admitted so we can prepare for the amount of work we will be faced with. On my break, I usually have a bag of crisps and a piece of fruit and a cup of tea while flicking through my phone or a magazine.
10.45am - This is usually the time for admitting patients. The patients presented in A&E this morning will be coming up to the ward around this time and so if there are enough beds, I will begin admitting the patients. The admission process involves asking the patients a series of questions regarding their Activities of Daily Living or ADLs and how they may have been affected by their illness. These include things like whether they can wash and dress themselves, their mobility, their eating habits etc, and the answers they give us help us care for the patient in the best way possible using a personalised care plan. If the patient states they are usually independent with walking but is a bit wobbly since their accident, I will refer them to a physiotherapist who will be able to review and assist the patient. Other information such as past medical history, allergies, regular medication and main personal details are all noted down too.
Helping patients to the toilet, completing any tasks left to do, or new tasks given will also be carried out throughout the morning. Liaising with other members of staff such as dietitians, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, doctors, specialist nurses etc also takes place throughout the whole day.
The doctors and consultants will also have a 'ward round' whereby the consultant teams for each specialty (Upper GI surgery, ENT, Plastics, Lower GI surgery, Vascular etc) will meet with their patients and the nurse in charge of the ward and discuss the plan with them on what they think would be best. As a student nurse, luckily I get to be a part of the ward round and have the task of jotting down the new plan of action for each patient. The doctor will usually discuss with the patient how they feel, they will inspect the body part in question and will decide on what would be best, whether that be prescribing a medication, referring to other specialisms or surgery. I will then update the handover on the computer with the new plan for each patient ready for the night staffs shift.
12pm - Lunchtime medication round. This is where the patients receive all the medications they are due around lunch time. It is the same process as the morning time medication round but usually there are less medication so does take slightly less time. Antibiotics and other IV medication are usually made up and administered on lunchtime medication rounds too, so I am often found in the treatment room mixing us powdered antibiotics with water for injection too -which is one of my favorite things to do.
12.30pm - Helping patients with needs, advice, help or education on anything. It is also worth mentioning that there are usually a lot of discharges made throughout the day on a busy ward like this and so I do have to discharge patients ready for home too. This involves ensuring they have the relevant medication they need at home, giving advice on how to behave at home (e.g. how long they shouldn't drive for), arranging a sick note from the doctor, and educating them on taking their medication or changing their dressings. Referrals to community teams are also made for discharge to ensure the patient is assisted with any further care needs they may need when returning back home.
3pm - Lunchtime! I usually go down to the hospital shop for a meal deal as my choice of food changes everyday and previously when I would take in ready made pastas or sandwiches, I would end up not enjoying my lunch as I wouldn't fancy eating it. I flick through my phone again and reply to any texts or emails I've had and chat to colleagues.
3.30 onwards - Again, just assisting with patients needs, talking to patients, updating notes, answering call bells, learning new things from doctors and nurses. Sometimes I will be asked to chaperon patients down to X-Ray, to inpatient clinics such as ENT clinic and fracture clinic and sometimes even get to watch operations in theater. It not only relaxes the patient by having someone familiar with them, but it also allows me to learn more about different specialties and follow the patient journey.
5pm - Teatime medication round. Same as the morning and lunchtime medication round. There are 4 medication rounds a day and three of them occur during the day shift. The night time medication round is carried out by the night shift staff.
Answering call bells, assisting patients on their travels around the ward or hospital, updating the nursing notes, ensuring all tasks for the day have been completed and assisting patients with their food and drink. Generally just making sure my patients are as happy and as comfortable as they can be.
7.30pm - Hand over. This is when the day shift staff will hand over the updated plan for each patient to the night shift. Same as the hand over process we received in the morning and usually from the same people we are handing back over to, but with new information on what has been done, what needs to be done and how the patients are.
8pm - I say goodnight to my patients and colleagues and walk home. I usually ring my mum or boyfriend on my walk home as I hate walking in the dark on my own! It also gives me a chance to tell them about my day. Whether it's been calm, happy, stressful, upsetting, difficult, easy, rewarding, boring. It allows me to reflect on it all and release emotions which is a massive part of being healthy and stable within my mental health.
8.10pm - I get home and shower. I make myself some tea and get straight into bed. Usually, I am shattered and my feet ache. I put on Netflix or some catch up TV on my laptop and watch it until I fall asleep ready to do it all over again the next morning!
I hope this was a helpful and interesting insight into my busy day as a student nurse. Every day is different and because of the nature of a surgical assessment unit, we may have 12 patients one day and it be very calm and not rushed at all one day, and the next there are 30 patients with 6 in A&E needing a bed and you have a list of 18 things you need to get done. Cardiac arrests, falls, patients suddenly deteriorating and the like can also shake up the flow of the day too but I am fully trained in being able to deal with crisis like these and have done many time in my training already. Nursing brings out the best in me and when I am on the ward, I find it easy to put others first and for a moment forget my anxiety and panic disorder. As I spoke about in this post, when I am in 'Nurse Mode', my adrenaline is being used for the right thing at the right time, and I love it. Even though sometimes I can finish a shift feeling very emotional or very drained and tired, the majority of the time I finish happy and proud of not only what I have achieved for myself but what my patients have achieved too. Writing this has even allowed me to reflect on how proud I am to be able to handle the amount of things I do each day even when spanners are thrown in the works, which they frequently are. It really is my dream job and helping poorly people is my absolute love in life. I am so excited to qualify in 10 months time and get my blues!
Love Luce xo
I wanted to write a blog post discussing the not so good responses, thoughts, phrases and words I have personally heard being used with regard to my anxiety and panic disorder. Although the people saying these things may not be purposely trying to upset me, or make me feel worse, they do not help. Close family, friends, strangers and even nurses have used the phrases I want to discuss so I know how common it is to 'say the wrong thing' and I hope this post helps those of you who do have someone in your life suffering from something similar to my condition understand how some phrases don't always help and give you some ideas on how to approach the situation differently.
"Well that's just silly/stupid/irrational" "It's all in your head"
9 times out of 10, I know. I know what runs through my head is irrational but right there and then it is something that I am struggling with, something that I have come to you about for help. Please don't disregard it as 'stupid' or 'silly' or tell me 'it's all in my head'. It makes me feel bad, annoying and like it's wrong of me to be the person I am being. I feel like i'm doing wrong by asking for help, and no one should ever be made to feel like that.
"Have you taken your medication today" "When was the last time you saw your doctor?"
Yes. I take my medication as soon as I wake up, everyday, and I see my doctor on a regular basis for checkups. These phrases, when used out of context, makes me feel like the person on the receiving end of my thoughts and feelings believes that I need more help than I'm already being given (Side Note: when I say 'out of context' I mean if my Mum is genuinely curious as to when the last time I saw my doctor was, as I don't live at home so she wouldn't know that sort of thing, that's fair enough). It makes me feel like I am worse than I am and subsequently makes me question whether i'm not well or if my mental health has declined a bit. I'm allowed bad/down days as much as everyone else. I'm allowed to be upset or angry when someone winds me up, or something annoys me. Before I was diagnosed, I had a firey, loud side to my personality anyway and I have always been very easy to wind up, especially around close family and friends, so why is it when that side of me comes out now, do people assume I haven't taken my medication, or haven't seen my doctor?
"Stop thinking about it" "Stop worrying" "Stop overthinking"
Unless you can give me a really good technique to enable me to do any of theses three things, please don't tell me to do them. Anxiety itself is a mental health condition which involves being nervous, uneasy or scared about something with an uncertain outcome, so telling me to stop worrying is the same as telling me to get rid of my illness. I wish I could. I completely understand that 'don't worry' is the first thing you want to say to someone who is worrying, I say it to people myself, but when I am clearly very distressed, very anxious, or struggling to calm myself down, hearing these phrases, without any backup reason or explanation why I should, can really make me very uneasy and very aware of my anxiety. It's really not that easy to just stop worrying or thinking about something.
"You're boring" "Fine, your loss" "Don't be the fun police" "Come on. Live a little"
I get these a lot from people who don't understand my type of anxiety, or people that know I don't like certain social situations but don't know why. It is a very uneducated response to me saying no to something I don't feel comfortable doing. I cannot put myself in a situation I know full well will create enormous amounts of anxiety and will probably end in a panic attack. This is definitely not to say I don't push myself out of my comfort zone to reach goals I have set for improving my mental health but as I talked about in this post, I find it very uneasy being on a typical 'student life' night out without my boyfriend or my best friend, so I often have to say no to people who invite me out. Whether or not it is the wrong thing to do, I need to protect myself and I know my limits better than anyone else does. Calling me boring, the 'fun police' or even telling me I'm a bad friend for not doing something (which yes, I have been told more than once) just brings me down knowing I can't be like 'normal' 20 year olds. Please remember, I didn't ask to be this way.
And by far the one that hurts the most...
"There's people far worse off in the world than you are"
Oh trust me I know. I'm a nurse, I care for these people day in day out and they never leave my thoughts. I often feel guilt for suffering with a mental illness when MY patients who I'M looking after are laying in hospital unable to maybe move, maybe feed themselves, maybe speak, maybe remember their loved ones or even remember who they are, maybe feel lonely, maybe feel pain 24 hours a day, maybe unable to breathe for themselves and maybe even dying. When I come to you for help, don't make me feel like my problems don't matter because they do. Everyone fights their own battles and everyone is important. I'm not telling you my thoughts and worries for you to feel sorry for me, I'm telling you because I need to tell someone and get it out of my thought processes. I care for those suffering every day as a job and I come to you in the hope that you can care for me.
This post is predominantly focused at some of the responses from those close to me who (I assume) have no intent to upset or hurt me, so for strangers who are uneducated and small minded about mental health and say mean things just to be mean, ignore them. People often say things to me then realise it has upset me and apologise, and I know it can be hard to say the right thing straight away. Please remember that your loved one or friend who is suffering with anxiety, panic disorder or any other condition that may cause you to respond in ways like these, feels very alone, very scared, will probably have had to build up a lot of courage to talk to you about their worries and may not want you to say anything at all. They may just need you to listen to them and know you're there for them. Respond in a way that is useful and helpful for the person, for example 'how about you try...' instead of just 'stop worrying about it. It'll be fine'. If you don't know what to say, tell them. Whenever i'm anxious, hearing someone say 'I don't know what to say but i'm here for you' is all I need to calm me down and know i'm not alone, and i'm accepted for who I am. Even when friends and family send me links to stupid YouTube videos, or tag me in photos and videos on the internet for me to watch and laugh at, it really help me smile again and I know they're trying their best to be there for me even if they don't know what to say. For those of you reading this who can relate to me, don't get mad when people say these things. Instead, help them understand why they shouldn't use these sorts of responses and what would be a better way of responding to you. Hope this helps.
Love Luce xo
Adrenaline
noun
"Adrenaline is a hormone secreted by the adrenal glands and released into the bloodstream to serve as a chemical mediator. Adrenaline has many different actions depending on the type of cells it is acting upon, however the overall effect of adrenaline is to prepare the body for the 'fight or flight' response in times of stress. It increases heart rate, increases blood pressure, expanding the air passages of the lungs, enlarging pupils, redistributing blood to muscles and altering the body's metabolism"
Commonly experienced in those who suffer from anxiety, surges of adrenaline are released for no reason at all and can develop into strong anxiety or a panic attack. This weekend, I felt adrenaline being released at the right time for the right reason, for the first time in months.
I often get surges of adrenaline while i'm on my nursing placement due to the nature of the job. Having to be on the ball at all times, not only to structure my tasks and efficiently working throughout the day at fast pace, but to be ready to react to an emergency situation. I have experienced having to stop what i'm doing and jump into 'life saving mode' many times, with patients who have choked on their sandwich, elderly patients who have fallen and even a patient who went into cardiac arrest, so it is not uncommon for my adrenaline to fill me with the energy and strength I need.
After having to end my last clinical placement of 2nd year early due to my sickness, I experienced these surges of adrenaline more and more while sat watching TV, while on my phone or laptop, while talking with friends, for no reason, and although I had experienced what I like to call 'unneeded adrenaline' before, this was a lot stronger and a lot more difficult to control and calm down. These surges brought on panic attacks and strong anxiety that became noticeably difficult for me to shake off like I was used to being able to do. So since my last placement, around 10 weeks ago, I had not felt 'needed adrenaline', until this weekend.
My best friend text me Sunday morning telling me that following 2 head collisions during his game of rugby the Wednesday before (which worried me anyway!), that his nose had started bleeding, that his headaches had got no better, his hearing was muffled on one side and he had bruising behind one of his ears. The nurse in me, using the knowledge I've learnt from lectures and patients I've cared for myself, diagnosed this as a severe head injury - worse than the concussion he self-diagnosed himself with. Of course, I explained this to him and told him to go to his local walk in centre immediately. The walk in centre checked him over and told him he needed to go to A&E as the nosebleed shouldn't have happened under the circumstances and there could be some cranial damage. When he texted me all this, my adrenaline hit the roof. Baring in mind, my anxiety levels have been good for around a week now, it was a shock to the system. While walking down to A&E to meet him so he wasn't alone, such bad, irrational thoughts were crossing my mind. What if he collapses on his way here? What if he's left it too long to be able to help him get better? Should I have made him go to A&E earlier than today? When he got there, alive, I immediately felt better because he was orientated, alert, still able to make jokes and be on Tinder. He checked in and we were told to sit in the Minors waiting area. Surprisingly, over hearing the busy rush of A&E and the hospital in general calmed me and I felt like I was in familiar surroundings. It reassured me that the adrenaline rushing around inside of me was normal and okay and that settled me alot. An hour passed and he was called in by the doctor who told him he needed a CT scan on his head and neck to check for fractures and internal damage to the brain, and this news sent another surge of adrenaline around my body. Of course, I wasn't going to let him know this, but I was scared, probably more than he was, but like my Mum always tells me "Lucy, you know too much when it comes to health". I could feel myself buzzing and my feet were going tingly like they sometimes do when I'm about to have a panic attack. I unconsciously started tapping my feet to get rid of the horrible sensation and remind myself that he was in the best possible place but still I was thinking irrational thoughts. There's going to be something wrong with him. What if he collapses in the waiting area? Will I know what to do? I was scared, at this point that my anxiety I was feeling wouldn't calm down, but it was quite clear that he was in a lot of pain with another headache and although not showing it, must have been worried so my brain rationally clicked into nurse mode and I was fine again. No tingles, no irrational thoughts. I felt these surges throughout the night, sat outside the CT room, waiting for his scan to be finished, waiting for the results of it and finally when the nurse told him what was wrong. "You've fractured your mastoid bone". Now I knew what this was before he did - he'd fractured his skull, just behind his ear. It was big shock as it is very uncommon to break this part of the skull, and again I the adrenaline crept up on me, so much so I ended up almost dancing on the spot to try and shake it off and blamed it on feeling loopy and it being 2am. I was expecting slight bruising to the brain or something like that but not a skull fracture. This was causing the headaches, the bruising, the nosebleeds and the muffled hearing as it was pressing on his ear canal. While she was explaining it all to him, again, I clicked into nurse mode and felt absolutely fine again, like I was there as a nurse supporting a patient. Thankfully there was no cranial damage.
This time last month, I was so worried about what I'd be like having to walk back onto a ward of patients, many very ill, and have to deal with adrenaline surges again. Would I have to try really hard to direct it where it needs to go? What if I don't get them when I need them? What if I get them when I don't need them and I can't shake it off? After this weekend, I know that I can go back to what I love doing. I can use the adrenaline thrust upon me for a reason and use nurse mode to shake it off. Nurses need it, and I do sometimes wonder if maybe it doesn't help my anxiety that I am so prone to having moments where I need adrenaline fast. It's also taught me that I can handle my anxiety, and I can put others first, put a brave face on and come out with a genuine smile. I am so proud of myself for what I achieved Sunday night and it's shown how much I have developed with my anxiety and panic disorder. I was telling another friend about it all today and she said "8 weeks ago, there is no way you could have handled hearing that sort of news from him, let alone willingly support him through it all, especially with that sort of outcome" and it's true. I wouldn't have been able to, but now I know I can. I know that hospitals and helping those in need is were I belong and is where I feel most comfortable. It's where I can be me.
Love Luce xo
Having a mental health illness such as anxiety and panic disorder doesn't just affect the person suffering from it. It affects those closest too them too. For me, I kept my problems and diagnosis hidden from a lot of people and only told people I felt I had to tell and those I trusted to keep it a secret. After all, I was embarrassed and incredibly guilty for feeling how I was feeling and worried what people would think of me, which looking back was not how I should have been feeling at all. By telling those closest to me, I was able to get the support needed, have them on my side and I didn't feel like I had to go through it alone. I was intrigued to pick the thoughts from my nearest and dearest about my diagnosis and how their thoughts on anxiety and mental health in general have changed since.
My Boyfriend of 6 years.
How did you feel when I told you I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder?
I knew you had some anxiety problems but I never realised how bad they were. To begin with, I felt like I was treading on eggshells around you because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I didn't know anything about anxiety or panic disorder so I didn't really know how you needed to be helped. After I asked you how I could help and you told me, it's become easier because I know what I should and shouldn't say and do and what to do if you have a particularly anxious moment or panic.
What were your thoughts and views on mental health as a whole before my diagnosis?
I knew people suffered from it but I didn't understand why or how they came to suffer. In all honesty, I didn't really believe it. I thought that people who had mental health problems were people in secure hospital units and had to be retrained like in films and I really had no idea of how many different levels and types of mental health conditions there were.
How do you view mental health as a whole now?
Mental health as a whole is something not enough people know about. It's brushed under the carpet and it really shouldn't be. I understand the biological factors of mental health specific to your condition now and feel it really should be treated the same as a physiological injury or condition.
What is the hardest part of me suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for you?
Whenever I'm not with you, I can't help, and because were so far away at different universities, I can't just pop over and help calm you down or be there for you. I can ring or FaceTime you, but it's not the same. I don't like knowing that at times, you're physically on your own when you feel low.
My Mum.
How did you feel when I told you I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder?
Worried because I was out of control and wasn't able to make you better like if you had a tummy bug or a cold. I also felt guilty especially due to the fact your Dad and I and the way we dealt with the 'Queensgate situation' was technically the cause of your anxiety and I'm you're mum so I fundamentally feel like it's my fault. I also was scared of what it could develop into, and was scared of how you would handle it all.
What were your thoughts and views on mental health as a whole before my diagnosis?
Very open minded as I have experienced mental health in my working and personal life. Although it's still not talked about enough and understood by many, I feel like it's better than it was 30 years ago when I first came across mental illness. I did understand the biological side of mental health from my healthcare training and experiencing mental illness in my family.
How do you view mental health as a whole now?
I've always had a very open minded approach to mental health and fully understand it can affect anyone whoever they are. Its not about the type of person they are, it's about a chemical imbalance. However, different personalities are able to handle this in different ways and it does affect everyone differently.
What is the hardest part of me suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for you?
Not being able to help you in anyway. I can't do anything to make you feel better when you are having a bad day, it is out of my control (and I'm a control freak!). However, I am very proud of how you deal with it and I am proud of you for how you are turning it around from being a negative thing for you into a positive thing to help yourself and others.
My Dad.
How did you feel when I told you I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder?
At first, I was in a state of denial (I suppose I still am). I honestly thought you knew too much being a student nurse and was reading into it too deeply. Even when you were signed off by the doctor for being too unwell to work or be at university, I told myself you were exhausted and your body was just too tired. I just didn't want to believe it.
What were your thoughts and views on mental health as a whole before my diagnosis?
I wrongly joked about it. It's very common for people to joke about topics they have a lack of understanding about and I was one of those people. I believed that those with mental health conditions were in asylums, not normal people living normal everyday lives.
How do you view mental health as a whole now?
I have a deeper understanding of it all now, especially thanks to you writing this blog as not everything you type up for on here you say out loud to me and your Mum. But, I still try not to think too deeply about it as I don't want to believe it all.
What is the hardest part of me suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for you?
Guilt. People always say "it's always the parents fault" and it does make me feel guilty. Even though you always tell us it's not our fault, I will always feel guilty. As your Dad, I helped build the building blocks for your life, and in my eyes, there must have been something go wrong for you to be how you are now.
My Brother.
How did you feel when I told you I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder?
When you was first diagnosed, I didn't even know - no one told me in case I worried too much. When I found out though, I didn't really believe it, probably because I couldn't see anything wrong with you. Once you and others talked to me a bit more about it, I understood it more and just wanted you to be okay.
What were your thoughts and views on mental health as a whole before my diagnosis?
I thought people who had mental health conditions were those whose mental illness shows in their personality, the way they think, talk or do things. Like schizophrenics talking to voices. I never really understood the different types of mental health conditions at all.
How do you view mental health as a whole now?
That people with a mental health illness aren't 'insane' or 'mental' as is can sometimes be shown in the media or on TV programmes and films. I also know that it affects a lot more people than I realised, its not always obvious at all and it should be talked about more.
What is the hardest part of me suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for you?
I don't find it hard really now that I understand it. Because we don't live together any more, I keep updated with your blog too to help me learn about it more as well as talking on the phone and texting to know you're okay. I just have to be a nice and supportive brother and then it's okay for us both.
My Best Friend
How did you feel when I told you I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder?
I was confused. I didn't know anything about any of it, at all, and I didn't really know how to handle it. I didn't realise it was as bad as you had been telling me, and I didn't now how to help. But I definitely was very confused about it all.
What were your thoughts and views on mental health as a whole before my diagnosis?
I never had any experience of it so I never really thought about it. I think that unless you come face to face with it or have first hand experience of it, it's not something that really concerns you.
How do you view mental health as a whole now?
I'm more aware of it all and how it affects people. I know about the problems it can cause people from what you tell me about what you feel you can and cant do, and I am definitely more sympathetic about it all.
What is the hardest part of me suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for you?
In all honesty, it can be hard having to hear you say the things you say when you're anxious. It's difficult to understand why you say the things you do but I do try and put that to the back of my mind and think 'okay, this is the anxiety talking' and do the best I can. I have to give you frequent boosts of confidence to keep you going sometimes which can be hard too, to know I have to do that, but I do it because it helps you.
I hope this post helps you understand how others feel around the topic of mental health and anxiety and panic disorder in particular. For those of you worried about speaking to a parent, a friend, a sibling or a partner about how you're feeling, I hope this helps you open up and talk to someone about it all. Even though it is a very challenging concept to understand for people who do not have experience or and education of it, in my experience, the people nearest to you love you for you, will try their best to understand and empathise and will always be there to support you and help you get through the bad times.
Love Luce xo
So as a third year student nurse who will be hopefully qualifying in approximately 11 months (eeeee!) I thought it would be a good idea to hand down my advice from my 2 full years of studying for a nursing degree to those in the first year or those who are thinking about choosing to study a degree in nursing. I write this post as if I was telling my first year self this advice as I would have loved to read or for someone to tell me something like this.
1. Be confident. I suffer with anxiety and I found it took me a while to adjust to walking onto a ward and suddenly, people the age of my Mum and Grandma were asking me for help. Me! You are training to help others, whether you're a childrens nurse, adult nurse, mental health nurse or learning disability nurse, people will need you and you have to be confident in yourself that you can do that. This is your degree, no one elses and you really do get out what you put in. You wont always get everything right, especially to start with, but don't panic. You are there to learn, and learning new skills brings confidence. You will get the hang of it no matter how much you tell yourself you wont. Which brings me onto my next piece of advice...
2. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are not going to be expected to know everything as a first year student nurse. As you develop and grow, nurses expectations will begin to grow too and by that I mean by your 10th week of placement, your mentor will probably expect you to not still be following her around asking "what shall I do now?". You are given placements to learn and develop the skills you will need when you qualify and you are given mentors to help teach you these, so asking for help is never a bad thing. In a job like nursing, if you guess things you are not sure on, it could be detrimental to the health of your patient. Don't quite know which dressing to redress Bay 2 Bed 4's diabetic foot ulcer with? Ask. Don't know why Side Room 3's urine output is being measured every hour? Ask. The more you ask, the more you learn. My advice is for typical nursing knowledge such as dressings, size of catheters or length of NG tubes, ask your mentor how you know which one would be best and make a note of it in a notebook. Then you can always look back on 'How to measure an NG tube' for example.
3. Grab all opportunities. On placement, you will have so many opportunities to experience other members of staffs roles, such as physios, dietitians, OT's etc and this helps you as a student nurse develop your knowledge of the multi-disciplinary team. You may also get opportunities to work in other departments such as theaters under your specialty and I would highly recommend you take these experiences with open arms. It not only gives you experience of the patient journey but you also get to see things normal people never get to see - inside an operating theater! Even if a nurse is doing a basic skill such as changing a dressing or maybe a more advanced skills such as inserting an NG tube, ask if you can watch. In my experience, most nurses let you get hands on after 1 or two observations which is always a confidence booster!
4. Keep on top of your work. You will get periods of time where you are on placement working long hours and you also have an assignment or project to complete too. It can become daunting to think that when you get home after a 12 hour shift, you have to sit and write some more assignment. My advice for this would be to structure your time. If it's possible, try and get some of your theory work done before your practical starts, this way you wont have as much to do while you're tired, emotional and worn out from placement. If you have to complete theory work during a placement block, do this on your days off or if you work half days, do it on the other half of your day. This way, you're not exhausting yourself. If you try and do too much at once, your brain will fry and your work wont be the best you could have done, but if you leave it too long, you'll end up rushing it and your work will again be affected. Structure your time properly. Give yourself mini deadlines.For example, do 200 words by the end of the week. Doesn't seem as daunting like that, does it?
5. They're there to help. Lecturers, tutors, programme leaders, mentors and support staff are all employed to help you. It is their job, so you should never be scared to go to them for advice and support, especially if you are struggling in either theory or practice. They will be able to help. The best bit about being a student nurse in university is that all of your academic staff within the nursing department are nurses - they have been in your shoes! They're also usually caring, understanding and empathetic people. I would advise you to meet up with your personal tutor at least once a semester to update him/her with how you're getting on, and this gives you an opportunity to ask any questions or ask for help or support on anything. In my experience, if they can't help directly, they will always signpost you to someone who can.
That's my 5 main pieces of advice for new student nurses from the experience that i've had. It's okay to need help, it's okay to be in touch with your emotions, it's okay to have down days and feel stressed out but always remember that you are studying to be somebody who will change so many peoples lives. Even as a student nurse, you will find this. It will be so worth it in the end. Drop me a comment or email me if you have any further questions regarding this topic - i'm always happy to help.
Love Luce xo
I never thought I would be someone who would suffer with a mental health condition. Before starting my nursing degree, I thought that someone with mental health conditions were the type of people you see on Shutter Island or on documentaries looking into insane asylums. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have always been a worrier, always been clingy, always panicked and got anxious and upset over the smallest things even as a small child, and I will talk about all of this in a future blog post.
Over the summer months of this year, I felt my anxiety and fear of everything get worse and worse to the point where I stayed in bed, feeling homesick, feeling physically unwell and struggling to talk to anyone about it. One morning, I was on a shift at my placement, setting equipment up, no patients had even arrived yet when, out of nowhere, I started to feel that well known drop in my stomach, flood of heat from my feet to my head and suddenly my heart started racing. I had to take a breather in the treatment room. I had told myself that if my anxiety ever bothered me while i'm at work, I would do something about it and so finally decided to call up my doctors surgery for help and advice. I saw a doctor that evening and he spent a long time talking things through with me, explaining what anxiety is and how it affects the body and how I have been suffering with it and coping with it. I told him that as soon as I feel my heart begin to race, everything escalates and makes me worse. With this, he took my pulse, which although I was calm, was around 117bpm (normal resting heart rate is between 60 and 100bpm) and prescribed me Propanalol 3 times daily. Propanolol is a medication which targets the natural pacemaker of the heart (sinoatrial node) to help calm the heart rate down to a normal level in hope that when I experienced a particularly anxious moment, my heart wont beat out of control as is had been doing. Although doing what it was meant to do and keeping my pulse at around 60-70bpm resting, it gave me awful side effects which included terrible insomnia, lack of appetite, fatigue and tiredness all the time and I just generally lost my energy and motivation to do anything.
4 weeks later, at my medication review, my doctor was not happy with the side effects I was experiencing and explained that in the long run, it could have a detrimental effect on my health and energy levels, especially because I was on my placement at the time which wouldn't help the situation. I came off Propanolol and was prescribed Citalopram 1-2 times daily. Citalopram is a selective serotonin re uptake inhibitoror SSRI, so stimulates the release of more of the 'happiness' hormone, serotonin. I was wary about starting on Citalopram due to the fact that it belongs to the family of anti-depressants, and although I was experiencing periods of very low moods, I was not depressed. I was anxious. My doctor explained how it would benefit me and help me and also explained how it was very common to experience some side effects from the medication for up to 4 weeks while the body becomes accustom to it, however I trusted my doctor and began taking them. It was here that I got given the diagnosis of 'Anxiety and Panic Disorder'.
2 days into my Citalopram, I woke up, took my tablet and got ready for my 13 hour shift. I felt fine. I walked to the bus stop, caught my bus, walked onto the ward. I still felt fine. The night staff began handing over any over night changes to us. As we walked into the last bay of patients, I said 'Good Morning' to my patients one by one and listened to the night nurse hand over. Three patients in, I began to feel very shakey and my heart began to race like I have never felt it race before. I could also hear only my heart beat - it was almostlike someone had turned the volume off in the world and all I could hear was my heartbeat. My fingers and right side of my face went numb and my vision became distorted, not blurred, sort of like blotchy and like I was looking at a TV on static, and then a rush of heat flew up to my head. As I turned to tell the nurse I was working with that I was going to take a breather, I collapsed. I never lost consciousness and luckily, my knees buckled under me so I didn't hit my head on anything. The staff grabbed an observation machine and checked my vitals. Everything was sky high and the nurse in change told me to get to A&E so they can check out my heart as my heart rate and blood pressure was scarily high.
In A&E they did an ECG, did my vital observations again which had slowed down slightly. After being poked and prodded, I saw a doctor who looked at my symptoms, looked at my doctors notes from recent appointments and quite bluntly said 'you've had a panic attack'. I didn't believe him. I told him that i've had a panic attack before and I know that what just happened wasn't a panic attack, nothing had triggered it - I was fine before. He explained that all my symptoms, 13 hour shifts, other stresses from personal life, plus the side effects still remaining from the Propanolol had exhausted my body and just put my into a state of panic . He then leaned over his desk and said "My dear, panic attacks don't always need a trigger. Its your body thinking you need to escape from somewhere, or sometimes even escape from yourself". He also explained that for the first few weeks of starting on Citalopram, anxiety can get worse before it gets better (he was spot on!). So he prescribed me one dose of Lorezopam, another anti-anxiety medication, told me to take one and go to bed for the rest of the day. I did.
The next day, I emailed my personal tutor at university to let him know what had happened as it's university-placement protocol to let your personal tutor know if you have had a day off or have been absent. The reply I received back told me to phone my placement, tell them I wont be returning (I had 4 weeks left) and to see my doctor as I didn't sound well enough to continue caring for others. I saw a lovely doctor the day after who took one look at me and signed me off sick for a month. I went home to be with my family but I struggled a lot for those 4 weeks mainly due to the fact that my time off sick possibly meant I would have had to move back 6 months on my course to redo an exam I would be missing and to redo my last placement. I tried my hardest to push against all of the side effects and bad thoughts I experienced and 2-3 weeks in, with the help of my family, I finally began to feel better.
My medication is working well and my doctor is very happy with my progress. It also helps that my lecturers, personal tutor and programme leader are all nurses and so showed empathy and support when I returned back. I wasn't in the end made to be deferred 6 months due to the circumstances my sickness was for which was a huge relief for me. As anyone with anxiety will know, I still have my bad days, but I also have amazing days which I never experienced before I started my medication when my anxiety was bad. Everyday I wake up and tell myself to be thankful and happy for who I am and the opportunities, people and things I have in my life. I'm working on becoming healthier and happier and continue to help myself with my anxiety while helping others with their struggles too.
Here are some great links that I personally used when understanding what my diagnosis was and I even used them to help my family, boyfriend and best friend to understand how I was feeling, the struggles I go through at times and to learn how they can help me.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.ViusP_mrTNM
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx
I will be writing more posts in the near future detailing what goes on in my mind when I am anxious, how other people in my life see it and deal with it and where my anxiety began and started but if anyone reading this wants to know more information or wants help and advice, please leave a comment or email me - I am always more than happy to help.
Love Luce xo
I feel like I have been looking for so long for a place to empty my thought-filled mind into. I'm always full to the brim with creative ideas, new projects I want to get stuck into, my university assignments and my organisation and planning. I am an avid project life-er, I collect and store my memories and I love DIY and crafty things. I am a hardworking third year student nurse too so work long hours at times, learning and developing new skills ready for when I qualify, and reflecting on my experiences.
Alongside all the 'good' stuff buzzing around in my mind, I suffer from social and attachment anxiety and panic disorder as well as terrible homesickness, so my thoughts are not always rational and bubbly. Despite it draining me emotionally and occasionally physically, I generally cope with it all quite well and my creativity and strive to keep busy balances my bad thoughts and panicky moments.
In my eyes, it's not healthy to live life with a mind full to the brim of thoughts, good or bad, and so this blog is really a way to express myself for others to read, learn about, inspire and hopefully maybe even understand and relate to.
I am new to all of this, so anyone who is reading this, go easy on me! I am more than happy to take ideas or requested topics for blog posts and have set a target of at least one blog post a week!
Please feel free to leave me a comment, I will reply.
Love Luce xo
