I was speaking to my Mum the other day about how I've always been an anxious child even from being very small and since then, random memories about strange things I did growing up which could (not certain, i'm not a psychologist) have pointed in the direction of anxiety. I spoke about how uneasy I was (and still am) while out in public with friends and family in this post but here some more of my personal memories that show similarities to the way I feel nowadays.
The memory me and my Mum were speaking about was my behaviour when I started secondary school. I was 11 years old and since my first day of secondary school, I went off breakfast. I didn't eat it and it was because I always felt sick in the morning. I was scared I would be sick on the bus or at school if I ate my breakfast so I started throwing it in the bin, or leaving it on the side and running out the house before Mum noticed. Then when she started to notice, I used to come down for breakfast earlier than anyone else and pour a tiny bit of milk into the bottom of the bowl so it looked like i'd eaten my breakfast, but obviously when the cereal wasn't getting eaten, my parents found out again. (I will just add, I was vegetarian at the time and very petite body shape wise, so my parents had a reason to worry about me not eating.) My Mum then confronted me and asked why I wasn't eating breakfast and I told her it wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because it made me feel sick, so she took me shopping to buy something that wouldn't make me feel sick in the mornings and the only thing I chose out of the whole of Tescos was jellies fruit pots. Fair enough, it did work. I ate one a morning, but still felt sick. Gradually over the course of 3 years and as I got older, I moved onto cereal bars but that was because as a 14/15 year old girl, I had no time for breakfast in the morning(!). I believe that this 'sickness' I felt for a good 3 years of being at secondary school was nervousness about the bus journey and school itself. I had lots of friends, there was typical girl fall-outs, and being in an all girls school, there was obviously bitchiness, but as soon as I got to school, the sickness went. Still to this day, I know when I'm having a not so great day when I wake up and find myself feeling sick, and nausea is a regular feature in my panic attacks too.
Which leads me onto a general memory. I always remember having one group of friends at school really, but this group would obviously split and mingle with others when typical girl-ness got in the way. I would always always always do what anyone told me to and everyone knew that. I wouldn't say I was ever 'bullied' but if someone said to me, go to the canteen and fetch me a sandwich, I would do it. This behaviour is 100% related back to my social attachment anxiety and the fact I have a fear of being rejected and a fear of people not liking me, so I did everything everyone asked of me. A lot of friends knew this and would tell me to stop letting people walk all over me, but I never saw it like that. I just saw it as doing something nice for someone else. I'd be the one to tear my hymn book in half to save a friend from getting a detention for forgetting hers, and risk getting a detention myself for ripping mine up. I'd be the one to fetch and carry things for other people or lend people money I didn't really have to lend out. Bad move sometimes, but to me, I was always just doing something nice for others. To be fair, looking back now, a very small amount of people took advantage of the fact i'd do anything for anyone, but a lot would step in and tell me not to things because it wasn't fair on me. The fear of not having anyone like me and having people not want anything to do with me is still apparent in my personality today but I think back then I was a lot more naive and immature to realise when people used it to their advantage. Nowadays, I can tell when people are walking all over me and although it takes a lot of courage, I do say something. It's hard when I have an irrational but very loud voice inside me screaming "Don't say anything, just do it! They'll hate you and you'll never have any friends" but I have to to be good to myself.
Memory 3 made me laugh when I remembered it. In primary school, there used to be a library van that would come to the school every Thursday after Lunch and we would be able to go into the van and choose a book to have for a week until the van came again. I chose a book and took it home and throughout the week, it somehow ripped. Just one of the pages ripped but it had ripped down half the page. I only noticed it in the car on the way to school the following Thursday morning - hand in day. When I saw it I felt sick. I felt like I didn't want to go to school, because if I didn't go to school, I didn't have to give the book in today which means no one would know I ripped it. I went to school nonetheless and I spent my whole morning totally distracted by the fact I had ripped a library book and it was sat in my bag and the librarian and my teacher would hate me. I thought about fixing it but didn't have a anything to fix it with. The saddest bit of this memory is I distinctively remember walking up to the library van with my classmates to exchange books and feeling panicky that everyone would hate me when they knew I ripped the book. In the end, no one even noticed and I chose another book and went about my day. Best afternoon ever. But again, its that same familiar feeling of "everyone is going to hate me" that I still get today.
This ones funny too and I know if my Dad and Brother read this they'll be laughing along, even though at the time it was not funny for me. When I was about 7, my brother was 5 and we were playing in the garden swinging from a conker tree that my Dad planted when he was a boy. The branch broke. A big branch that stuck out into the garden. My brother turned on the 'I'm telling Daddy' and I told him if he did that i'd tell Dad it was him. Obviously. I honestly thought, even as a 7 year old that my own Dad would hate me and never speak to me again if he knew I broke the branch, so me and Bradley decided to hide the branch in a nearby ditch and collect all the brown felt tips in the house to colour the broken section of fresh new bark on the trunk. We spent ages colouring in where the branch was in hope that Dad wouldn't notice. Nothing was said and every day I looked at the tree and hated myself for breaking the branch and was scared every day that Dad would realise and hate me. 7 year old me genuinely struggled getting to sleep because of the fear that Dad will hate me and wouldn't love me anymore, and would that mean I would have to live with Grandma and Grandad.....I know.....irrational. He never mentioned it. He knew and we still laugh about it today but he wasn't even mad. And FYI my Dad doesn't hate me and I am still welcomed into the family home and don't live at my Grandmas.
I'm sure there are a lot more memories, and a lot of my childhood is remembered because I relate to the feelings I felt then to how I do now. I can tell you the exact timetable of activities the Summer Club at the local leisure centre held the day Mum took me and my brother there because the feelings I felt there are similar to ones I feel now when I do feel anxious. Some of you might think, 'yeah, but loads of people feel like that', and that's the point. This is anxiety and everyone will feel anxious at some point in their life, but for me, it gets worrying when I realise I never grew out of my already-weird childhood fears like all my friends did. Normal 7 year olds are scared of the dark, I was scared of people hating me or scared that i'd go to a kids club or friends party and my parents wont pick me up and i'll be left there forever. I don't know why I haven't been able to grow out of these sorts of fears, I know where they stem from but I honestly don't think anyone does hate me or ever has done (that I know of). All I can do is learn from my memories, realise they are part of who I am, and learn how to cope with situations that may bring me anxiety or panic better.
Love Luce xo
Laying in bed last night reading my book, I started to think about how much I want 2016 to be different than the last. I have never been someone to believe in or make New Years resolutions as no one ever sticks to them, but 2016 has so much in store for me, and I am more determined than ever to make it a better year than 2015 for myself. I started flicking through my thoughts about what I want to achieve, or do, or change in myself. So here is my wish list for 2016, which I hope in a years time I can review and be proud of myself to achieving my dreams for the year:
1. I want to qualify as a Registered General Nurse.
After 3 years of working my bum off to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse, this year is the year I get to finally say 'I've done it'. It has, by no means, been an easy road and I will say it over and over again, Nursing is not a normal university degree. Working full time as a nurse on placement blocks, while balancing assignments, exams, placement books and reflections and being able to enjoy life with your family and friends is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have had more low times while studying to be a nurse than I ever have in my whole life but I would not be able to do what I've always wanted to do without going through it all. I hope to qualify in October 2016, so long as I pass my 2nd year resit exam in February. Fingers crossed.
2. I want to move back home with my Mum and Dad
I can hear 80% of you reading this thinking "why on earth would a 21 year old want to move back home?" but I have struggled so much with home-sickness and feeling unsafe and lonely throughout the past 3 years while living away for university that to be back at home where I am safe, secure and never on my own is what I've wanted for a long time. No, I can't deny that I am looking forward to not having to cook for myself or wash my own clothes, or never again having to open to fridge and internally cry at the half a pepper and tub of butter sat only in the company of each other on the second shelf down, but the main reason I want to be back home is so I can be myself and be happy again. I'm not saying it's forever as hopefully after Ben has finished university in 2017, we will save up and move into our own place, but until then I would much prefer to live in my family home with my support system close and available, than in a flat on my own.
3. I want to be accepted for a newly qualified job that I actually want to do.
So many nurses have told me how after they qualified, they took the first job they could just so they could get working, or how they have took a job on a ward they didn't necessarily like or have a passion about just because they felt they had to. I know I do not want to work in medicine as for me, it doesn't give me the drive or fulfill my passion for nursing in the same way surgery does. I know I like acute and fast paced departments, and departments that take patients straight from A&E have been my favorite placements. My community placement involved spending some time with the practice nurse in the GP surgery and this is when I realised this was something I really enjoyed as I could work independently and have a problem presented to me for me to solve. Practice nursing, in my eyes, has a stronger and tighter support system with other nurses and GPs just around the corner if needed. So when I qualify I will be looking for jobs in acute surgery/outpatient settings or GP surgery settings. Watch this space.
4. I really would like to make something from this blog.
I starting writing this blog for me, and for my own personal therapy however, it quickly developed into a space for others to learn about mental health conditions like mine, and for people who struggle with them too to feel less alone and to develop the confidence to make a change for themselves. The amount of messages I have received from people I know and people I don't know thanking me for giving them the confidence to get help, or helping them learn more about it all is unreal and I will never regret starting this blog. The more this blog is being shared and liked on social media sites or shared by word of mouth, or emailed to friends, the more it is helping people all over the world (Literally, hello to those of you in Australia, Barbados, Mexico, Bolivia, Algeria and all the other countries. I see you watching me!). Because of this, my aim it to have at least 10,000 people read my blog this year so more and more people can learn and feel less alone.
5. I want to get fitter and live a healthier lifestyle.
Back in the Easter-Summer of 2015, I really had a health kick and along with a fellow nurse friend from Uni who is the best gym motivator ever, I worked out and ate healthily. I lost a healthy amount of weight and toned my body up so well. I showed everyone my 'before and after photos', even my brother and dad despite them not really wanting to see photos of me in my underwear (awks), but I was so proud of myself. I never had to force myself to go to the gym, I just simply fitted it around lectures at university and went 2 to 3 times a week. I really did enjoy it. When I started my third placement of 2nd year, I found it difficult to keep up and was too tired to fit the gym around my shifts and slowly lost the motivation. Then in August I was diagnosed with my mental illnesses and lost a lot of weight with that from not having an appetite at all. Since then, my weight has fluctuated and obviously Christmas and my love of cheese did not help. Exercise is also an amazing way to self help myself when it comes to my conditions and people have always mentioned how much more energy I had last year and how liberated I looked, and I did feel good so I would like to feel that again. I have my goal weight and I really want to reach it this year and keep myself there. With then help of my little gym buddy, I know I'll do it. (Helen, if you're reading this, thanks for offering to help me reach my goal xox)
Now the top 5 have been written an explained, here are some silly little wish list items that i'd like to achieve by 2017:
6. I want to swim in the sea. I never got to last year and I love the sea.
7. I want to say 'yes' to a lot more. It is the only way my confidence will grow and I can develop as a person.
8. I want to fill my first Project Life album.
9. I want to grow my blonde highlights out and keep my hair its natural dark brown colour. I haven't had my natural hair colour since I was 13 and kind of want to try something different!
10. I want to go to a proper spa where they do massages and things.
11. I want to stay creative and keep hand-making and personalising gifts for friends and family.
12. I want to sort my wardrobe and draws out back at home. I've has a few 'i don't wear that anymore, I'll chuck it/sell it' moments throughout the past 12 months but I have 2 sets of draws with clothes that have no organisation at all and a wardrobe with clothes not even on hangers (!!)
13. I want to successfully insert an Naso-Gastric tube for a patient.
14. I want to read at least 15 books this year.
15. I want to see a medium or a clairvoyant. Mainly because I want to see if they're real and if they are, I want to speak to my Grandad.
16. I want to go to Madame Tussaud's!!
17. I want to drink butter beer at the Warner Brothers Studios.
18. I want to own at least one more item of Mac makeup. (My Mac bronzer, kindly gifted to me by a special someone, is my absolutelife)
19. I want to watch a musical in the West End. I've always loved Les Mis but all West End musicals are a dream to me. I grew up singing along to songs from the Musicals but have never seen one.
20. I want to start my saving fund for my Invisalign braces. I need my front nashers straightening and have wanted Invisalign braces for years but I will only allow myself, with my earnings to pay for them!
Make you're own list, see what you really want to do with this year. See you in a years time to see how i've done!
Love Luce xo
I feel like I have been looking for so long for a place to empty my thought-filled mind into. I'm always full to the brim with creative ideas, new projects I want to get stuck into, my university assignments and my organisation and planning. I am an avid project life-er, I collect and store my memories and I love DIY and crafty things. I am a hardworking third year student nurse too so work long hours at times, learning and developing new skills ready for when I qualify, and reflecting on my experiences.
Alongside all the 'good' stuff buzzing around in my mind, I suffer from social and attachment anxiety and panic disorder as well as terrible homesickness, so my thoughts are not always rational and bubbly. Despite it draining me emotionally and occasionally physically, I generally cope with it all quite well and my creativity and strive to keep busy balances my bad thoughts and panicky moments.
In my eyes, it's not healthy to live life with a mind full to the brim of thoughts, good or bad, and so this blog is really a way to express myself for others to read, learn about, inspire and hopefully maybe even understand and relate to.
I am new to all of this, so anyone who is reading this, go easy on me! I am more than happy to take ideas or requested topics for blog posts and have set a target of at least one blog post a week!
Please feel free to leave me a comment, I will reply.
Love Luce xo
