My 2016 Wish List.

Laying in bed last night reading my book, I started to think about how much I want 2016 to be different than the last. I have never been someone to believe in or make New Years resolutions as no one ever sticks to them, but 2016 has so much in store for me, and I am more determined than ever to make it a better year than 2015 for myself. I started flicking through my thoughts about what I want to achieve, or do, or change in myself. So here is my wish list for 2016, which I hope in a years time I can review and be proud of myself to achieving my dreams for the year:

1. I want to qualify as a Registered General Nurse. 
After 3 years of working my bum off to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse, this year is the year I get to finally say 'I've done it'. It has, by no means, been an easy road and I will say it over and over again, Nursing is not a normal university degree. Working full time as a nurse on placement blocks, while balancing assignments, exams, placement books and reflections and being able to enjoy life with your family and friends is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have had more low times while studying to be a nurse than I ever have in my whole life but I would not be able to do what I've always wanted to do without going through it all. I hope to qualify in October 2016, so long as I pass my 2nd year resit exam in February. Fingers crossed.

2. I want to move back home with my Mum and Dad
I can hear 80% of you reading this thinking "why on earth would a 21 year old want to move back home?" but I have struggled so much with home-sickness and feeling unsafe and lonely throughout the past 3 years while living away for university that to be back at home where I am safe, secure and never on my own is what I've wanted for a long time. No, I can't deny that I am looking forward to not having to cook for myself or wash my own clothes, or never again having to open to fridge and internally cry at the half a pepper and tub of butter sat only in the company of each other on the second shelf down, but the main reason I want to be back home is so I can be myself and be happy again. I'm not saying it's forever as hopefully after Ben has finished university in 2017, we will save up and move into our own place, but until then I would much prefer to live in my family home with my support system close and available, than in a flat on my own.

3. I want to be accepted for a newly qualified job that I actually want to do. 
So many nurses have told me how after they qualified, they took the first job they could just so they could get working, or how they have took a job on a ward they didn't necessarily like or have a passion about just because they felt they had to. I know I do not want to work in medicine as for me, it doesn't give me the drive or fulfill my passion for nursing in the same way surgery does. I know I like acute and fast paced departments, and departments that take patients straight from A&E have been my favorite placements. My community placement involved spending some time with the practice nurse in the GP surgery and this is when I realised this was something I really enjoyed as I could work independently and have a problem presented to me for me to solve. Practice nursing, in my eyes, has a stronger and tighter support system with other nurses and GPs just around the corner if needed. So when I qualify I will be looking for jobs in acute surgery/outpatient settings or GP surgery settings. Watch this space.

4. I really would like to make something from this blog.
I starting writing this blog for me, and for my own personal therapy however, it quickly developed into a space for others to learn about mental health conditions like mine, and for people who struggle with them too to feel less alone and to develop the confidence to make a change for themselves. The amount of messages I have received from people I know and people I don't know thanking me for giving them the confidence to get help, or helping them learn more about it all is unreal and I will never regret starting this blog. The more this blog is being shared and liked on social media sites or shared by word of mouth, or emailed to friends, the more it is helping people all over the world (Literally, hello to those of you in Australia, Barbados, Mexico, Bolivia, Algeria and all the other countries. I see you watching me!). Because of this, my aim it to have at least 10,000 people read my blog this year so more and more people can learn and feel less alone.

5. I want to get fitter and live a healthier lifestyle. 
Back in the Easter-Summer of 2015, I really had a health kick and along with a fellow nurse friend from Uni who is the best gym motivator ever, I worked out and ate healthily. I lost a healthy amount of weight and toned my body up so well. I showed everyone my 'before and after photos', even my brother and dad despite them not really wanting to see photos of me in my underwear (awks), but I was so proud of myself. I never had to force myself to go to the gym, I just simply fitted it around lectures at university and went 2 to 3 times a week. I really did enjoy it. When I started my third placement of 2nd year, I found it difficult to keep up and was too tired to fit the gym around my shifts and slowly lost the motivation. Then in August I was diagnosed with my mental illnesses and lost a lot of weight with that from not having an appetite at all. Since then, my weight has fluctuated and obviously Christmas and my love of cheese did not help. Exercise is also an amazing way to self help myself when it comes to my conditions and people have always mentioned how much more energy I had last year and how liberated I looked, and I did feel good so I would like to feel that again. I have my goal weight and I really want to reach it this year and keep myself there. With then help of my little gym buddy, I know I'll do it. (Helen, if you're reading this, thanks for offering to help me reach my goal xox)

Now the top 5 have been written an explained, here are some silly little wish list items that i'd like to achieve by 2017:

6. I want to swim in the sea. I never got to last year and I love the sea. 
7. I want to say 'yes' to a lot more. It is the only way my confidence will grow and I can develop as a person. 
8. I want to fill my first Project Life album.
9. I want to grow my blonde highlights out and keep my hair its natural dark brown colour. I haven't had my natural hair colour since I was 13 and kind of want to try something different!
10. I want to go to a proper spa where they do massages and things. 
11. I want to stay creative and keep hand-making and personalising gifts for friends and family.
12. I want to sort my wardrobe and draws out back at home. I've has a few 'i don't wear that anymore, I'll chuck it/sell it' moments throughout the past 12 months but I have 2 sets of draws with clothes that have no organisation at all and a wardrobe with clothes not even on hangers (!!)
13. I want to successfully insert an Naso-Gastric tube for a patient. 
14. I want to read at least 15 books this year. 
15. I want to see a medium or a clairvoyant. Mainly because I want to see if they're real and if they are, I want to speak to my Grandad. 
16. I want to go to Madame Tussaud's!! 
17. I want to drink butter beer at the Warner Brothers Studios. 
18. I want to own at least one more item of Mac makeup. (My Mac bronzer, kindly gifted to me by a special someone, is my absolutelife)
19. I want to watch a musical in the West End. I've always loved Les Mis but all West End musicals are a dream to me. I grew up singing along to songs from the Musicals but have never seen one. 
20. I want to start my saving fund for my Invisalign braces. I need my front nashers straightening and have wanted Invisalign braces for years but I will only allow myself, with my earnings to pay for them!

Make you're own list, see what you really want to do with this year. See you in a years time to see how i've done!



Love Luce xo

How To Help Someone Suffering From a Panic Attack.

I think a very important thing to understand and know about when someone you love or someone you care about suffers with a panic disorder or panic attacks is how to help calm them down and support them when anxiety gets the better of them. Here are some tips from my point of view as the sufferer on how you can help someone who is having a panic attack.

1. Recognise the moments leading up to a panic attack
If you know the person well enough and spend a lot of time with them, you are likely to recognise when they are feeling anxious and be able to tell that they are about to have a panic attack. If not, talk to them about their specific pattern of visual behaviors and emotions leading up to a panic attack and recognise them as soon as they start. Personally, I zone out and grab onto something, or usually someone, to make myself feel safe, so this is what someone who is with me would be looking out for. The sooner it is recognised, the easier it is to calm down from it. For the sufferer, it makes them feel better knowing that someone has recognised they need help too, and that they are not alone.

2. Take them away from it all
Panic attacks can happen anywhere, sometimes with triggers, sometimes not, and one of the most important things for anyone who has panic attacks is the need to feel safe. If the person you're with has a panic attack in a club, or in a shopping centre, or a confined area, take them out. Even if you just lead them from the bathroom to the living room of their house, it gives them a new surrounding that is not connected to where they first began to feel anxious, giving them a chance to use this environment to calm down in. Fresh air and space helps me enormously. Even just being able to see the sky makes me feel better. Wherever that person is when they start to panic, guide them out of there as quickly as possible, and reassure them that they're safe. Sometimes, quick breaks away from crowd in the club on a night out or breaks in a shopping day out is all I need to remind myself I can get out if I need to, so this is a good preventative measure too. 

3. Breathing
I personally am the worst breather ever when I panic. I forget what breathing is and how to do it, and i'm sure many other people who have had a panic attack knows what I mean. Like I spoke about in this post, I spend more time saying 'I can't breathe' than actually trying to breathe. Because of this, having someone with me telling me to breathe and even breathing with me to so I can focus on how I should be breathing is amazing. Anything tight on or around the chest can give the illusion that breathing is more difficult than it actually is and so, while maintaining dignity, remove any tight clothing that may help the person breathe better. I don't mean remove their top, or unbutton their shift fully, what I mean is like, for example, I had a panic attack on Halloween this year and my boyfriend removed my fancy dress wings from off my shoulders to help me breathe better. You can undo the top buttons of someones shirt, or remove a necklace if you think the person would be able to breathe better without.  Once my breathing is stable, I already feel a lot better so the more you can help with this aspect, the better. 

4. Make them feel safe
Safety is massive. During a panic attack, you are more out of control than you have ever been and so feeling safe is very very important. Reminding the person 'you're safe' or 'I won't let anyone hurt you' really helps along with physical contact like holding their hand or rubbing their back. For me, being brought close into someone in a hug and being wrapped up tight helps me, but others may find this even more distressing so make sure the person is comfortable with that first. Stay with them at all times. If someone is left alone, it will probably make them worse as their safety net is gone.

Imagine you were out of control of your own body and being made to feel like you're dying. Now imagine how you would like to be treated throughout a 20 minute episode of it. That's all you have to do. The main thing I must strongly advise is please do not panic yourself. I understand how having someone grabbing onto you saying 'I can't breathe' can be petrifying, but remember it is their body responding to fear or threat and you can help take that fear or threat away. Honestly, they will never forget what you did for them, and they will trust you a whole lot more. Talk to the individual about how they would like you to help them if the situation did arise because everyone is different. Be confident and show you care, and whatever you do do NOT use the words 'Calm down!' - if they could calm down, a panic attack never would have happened. 



Love Luce xo

Stages of a Panic Attack | My Personal Experience.

Since suffering with many panic attacks throughout the past year, and regularly being asked 'what does it feel like?', I thought it would be a good idea to talk about the different stages of a panic attack from my personal perspective as the sufferer, and also explain why it happens from a medical/nursing perspective. As I  have mentioned before, panic attacks do not affect everyone with anxiety, and is more connected to my panic disorder, but they happen differently for every person. As part of my treatment plan, I had to explain to my doctor what happens to me during a panic attack to ensure it was all 'normal' and, rest assured, all of my symptoms are 'normal'. My panic attacks are either triggered by something that makes me feel vulnerable or threatened, like a certain environment or bad thoughts, or on some occurrences, I have experienced them with no trigger at all, but they do usually occur in the same order of symptoms and for the same amount of time. 

Firstly, my heart rate will increase and pump so hard it feels like it is going to fall out of my chest. I can hear it in my ears, I can feel it more than I have ever felt my heart before. Although it is the first sign of my panic attack coming on, it also occurs when I am just feeling anxious or uneasy on a day to day basis so, for me, it isn't the ultimate 'I'm going to have a panic attack' symptom. This happens due to the sudden increase in adrenaline that gets released into the blood stream, which puts your body into 'fight or flight' mode and the heart has to work harder to get oxygen to the muscles to be able to fight or run away. 

My breathing will start to increase. I don't always notice this happening as it usually happens at the same time as my heart beating fast and I'm usually too focused on controlling that, but my breathes will become shorter and faster and if I don't manage to calm myself down, I start to hyperventilate. Hyperventilation is the most horrible symptom for me as I struggle really really hard to calm my breathing down. During a panic attack, I will genuinely feel like i'm drowning and that I can't physically get my breath. 'I can't breathe' is usually the only think I say during a panic attack. This happens due to the body thinking it needs more oxygen for fight or flight and so will breathe faster to drag more oxygen in, however, hyperventilation is the body breathing off more carbon dioxide that in can produce using the oxygen it is inhaling. It gives the feeling that there is not enough air in the body when actually, there is too much, and you begin to literally drown in air. 

My body will then have a hot flush from my feet up to my head, almost like the feeling when you open to oven door and the hot air hits you, and then I will start to tingle. For me this is my 'i'm going to have a panic attack' symptom. When this happens, I know I either need to help myself right now, or find somewhere to go where I can be safe and calm myself down for the panic attack to take over. It starts in my face and hands and will travel up my arms down my legs and into my toes. The only way I can describe it is like the feeling after pins and needles but a bit less painful and lasts a lot longer. It can turn into more of a numbness in my fingers and toes but will usually remain tingley throughout the whole attack. This happens due to blood rushing away from the skin and to the muscles for fight or flight again, leaving it tingly and cold. 

My vision will begin to distort. I can only describe it as being similar to watching static on a TV. My vision doesn't become blurred and the room doesn't spin but its almost like the world is flashing on and off in front of me. This makes me feel dizzy and I feel like I need to close my eyes. This happens due to the increase in my blood pressure and heart rate. It also occurs due to pupil dilation happening for 'fight or flight' which increases light sensitivity, hence the flashing. 

My hearing will also be affected. Not completely but suddenly it will sound like I am underwater, or have an earplug in, and everything is muffled. Strangely, it affects one ear, then swaps to the other, then back to the other and will not affect both my ears at the same time. This symptom also makes me feel very dizzy. This hearing distortion happens due to the 'fight or flight response' again and is called 'auditory exclusion' where your body blocks out sounds to help you focus on fighting or running away. 

Then I will begin to feel sick. Sometimes it's a mild niggling nausea which wont shift, other times it's a 'get me to a toilet, I'm going to be sick' sort of feeling. Despite this symptom, I have never vomited during a panic attack but will always sit by a toilet when I get to this stage if I can. This is because the blood in the digestive tract flows away from your stomach and to your muscles, again, ready for your body to fight or run away and so digestion slows down which can cause nausea and in some cases vomiting. 

I will shake. Hard. To the point where i'm sweating because the shaking has caused me to involuntary warm myself up. It will start in my hands and knees and spread throughout the attack. 9/10 I will need to sit down as I have previously collapsed due to my knees giving way from underneath me during a panic attack. This happens due to the release of adrenaline in the body, hyping the body up to fight or run away. 

Finally, I will cry. Crying usually happens when I experience a panic attack. Usually because I am scared and out of control. Even though I have experienced them before, I will still feel like I am dying each and every time I have one, and it is petrifying. Afterwards, I will cry too, out of embarrassment usually and due to not feeling good at all. I have had panic attacks where I don't cry but these will often be the attacks which affect me more afterwards, as I feel more tired and more 'run down' when I haven't cried. Odd, I know. 

Even as a student nurse, I still feel all of these things and still feel like my life is about to end for between 10-30 minutes despite knowing the medical side to it all, however they can happen one after the other so can be longer. As you can imagine, after a panic attack, I sleep. My body is weak, my emotions are all over the place and I feel very blank and empty. My muscles ache and my jaw will ache from tensing throughout. It feels like I've sprinted for 30 minutes without a break - out of breath, nauseous, hot, and aching all over.  

I hope you have found this post interesting and has given those of you that have had no experience of a panic attack some new information, and has given those of you who have had experience of a panic attack know that you're not alone, and what you feel is completely normal. I will be doing a post on how I calm myself down and bring me out of an attack in the near future and will write one on what to do if someone you're with has a panic attack too, so look out for them. 



Love Luce xo

Bach Rescue Remedy | Product Review

I have always tried to relieve the symptoms of my anxiety naturally through breathing techniques, taking myself out of the situation that's causing me to be anxious, and so on. After my recent diagnosis and 4 week sickness period which I talk about in this post, my cousin bought me a few treats to make me feel a bit better about the whole situation. After suffering with anxiety with travelling to and from work in London a few years back, a friend recommended to her a 100% natural anti-anxiety brand called Bach Rescue Remedies. They provide a range of different product types and state on their website that the products 'gently restore balance between mind and body with the use of Back Flower Remedies'. 

Bach flower remedies are a mixture of natural spring water and wild flowers that the website claim to cast out negative emotions such as fear, worry, hatred and indecision. There are 38 different wild flowers used for different types of negative emotions and these remedies come in 7 different products including pastilles, drops, melts and even pet products. I, however, was given the Bach Rescue Remedy Tongue Spray and the Bach Rescue Chewing Gum by my cousin. At first, I was very skeptical of how these products would work for me but my cousin insisted they worked for her so I was excited to try them. 

Bach Rescue Remedy Spray 20ml

 

This little spray was bought from Holland and Barratt for £10.69 but is also available in other stores such as Boots or Superdrug. It came in a box with instructions. The instructions state to spray 2 squirts of the remedy into the mouth when needed. The taste wasn't something I was expecting at all. It tastes of alcohol, a mixture of wine and Baileys to be precise and I don't like it much at all! When I looked at the ingredients, there was a high percentage of grape in there to help preserve it, so I guess that's the alcohol taste. It states on their website that it is impossible to overdose on any Bach Remedy products due to the ingredients being 100% natural but 2 sprays was the recommended dose and is really all you need. Its a great size for my handbag and small enough to fit in your hand if you need a quick spray, however it isn't very discreet. I have used it at times when my anxiety levels are higher than normal, for instance when travelling on trains, and it has seemed to calm me down but I have received some funny looks while doing it. 

Bach Rescue Chewing Gum 17pcs

These chewing gum pieces were also bought from Holland and Barratt for £4.89. These come in box with a self securing lid which is very handy for the handbag. It contains 17 bits of gum and my gum was spearmint flavour but I think there is a range of different flavours. Again these are available at other stores. The chewing gum contain 4 drops of the Bach Rescue Remedy, but you cant taste it at all - it just tastes like normal spearmint gum! I prefer using the gum over the spray due to the fact that you can go into your bag, pick a piece of gum and chew it. No one looks at your funny like they do with the spray. Again, these really seem to work and the taste lasts ages! 

Whether or not its my brain thinking these products are working or whether the Rescue Remedy within them helps calm my nerves or worries, these products really do work for me. I must point out that these are not a replacement for my prescribed anti-anxiety medication, I tend to grab for these when I become particularly anxious or worried and feel like I need to calm down. Because they are 100% natural too, I don't feel like i'm damaging my body by taking them, especially the gum because it just feels and tastes like normal gum. The price for all the Bach Rescue Remedy products are quite high in my personal opinion, however, they do seem to work for me so I will be repurchasing the gum once I run out, but not the spray. 

Here is the link to the Back Rescue Remedy website for you to have a more in depth look into the products they offer and maybe you can give them a go too!

http://www.bachflower.com/

 Leave a comment down below letting me know your experiences with this brand and if their products worked for you. 

Love Luce xo